Our Greatest Glory is Not in Never Falling,
But in Rising Every Time We Fall (Confucius)
When I read this quote from Confucius I reminisced about these last couple of years and the relapses I've experienced. Having come to terms 15 years ago that I indeed had a problem with drinking, or stopping drinking, that was all well and fine. Not to make light of it because it was HUGE, life changing! But my greatest glories have come from my falls...my relapses.
I stayed clean and sober for over 13 years once surrendering to this disease of alcoholism. I did all that was suggested...for awhile. This "one day at a time" program works both ways. "One day at a time we stay sober" if we do as the program of AA teaches us. And "one day at a time" we get drunk when we stop.
You see it is so easy to forget how bad it was when we stop going to meetings and reaching out to newcomers. We forget how hopeless we felt the first day we walked into the rooms of AA. We forget how hard that first year of sober holidays and days that end in "y" were. We forget how relieved we were to be welcomed and loved and understood by those who suffered through the same experiences. So easy to forget when life is going so well and you're not drinking.
And you know it's not all about not drinking. That's just a symptom of our disease. Suddenly we find the old behaviors starting to resurface. We find that we're no longer so kind and understanding and giving. The ego starts to take over once again. We get selfish with our gift of sobriety and forget to be grateful that today we have a choice to not drink or drug.
So there's my story in a nutshell. I stopped giving away what was so freely given to me when I needed it most. A hug, a welcome smile, and hope. With that I picked up.
I know now the reasons why. Bottom line I stopped hearing how bad it is to be active in the disease. I let my insurance policy expire by separating myself from the fellowship. I stopped going to meetings to hear how prescription drugs can churn up that part of my brain that says, "Drink! Use!" Once that line was crossed the disease immediately took over every fiber of my being, every waking moment of every day of relapse.
But I am so glad to say that AA taught me how powerful this disease is. And even though I wasn't getting drunk and I didn't HAVE to drink everyday, I knew I was well on my way back there to losing everything dear to me to shoot up in some dark abandoned building, prostitute myself, and live from a dumpster. For real! No laughing matter. Life or death. I'd choose death over having to live that way...as sadly many of our fellows have.
Yes, my greatest glory came from relapsing and then being so scared of where I might end up that I checked myself right back into reality. I got right-sized again and relearned everything I absorbed as a sponge when I first got sober. But this time I shall stay close to the fellowship and do the footwork suggested to me. This time I shall give away what was so freely given to me. I shall do my best to be my best. Because I'm selfish and I don't want to lose a minute of this wonderful sober life I have today. I don't want to waste a moment of thought or energy to negativity when I can live a positive, optimistic, purposeful way of life.
And with that I shall leave you to have a mighty fine day because you can. Stay hopeful; stay positive; stay loving. Aloha...Dee Harris
For those interested in "Gifts in Recovery" or "Hawaii Art", please visit my website at www.DeesignsByHarris.com. Mahalo!
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