A Power Greater than Myself

   

   Before realizing that I am an alcoholic I had simple spirituality in my life. As a child we didn't go to church nor speak much of religion but I knew Mom had a belief in God. Once I bottomed out which meant for me I no longer had a choice in whether or not I wanted a drink, but HAD to drink, for a very long time, I prayed to my dad who died of this disease and begged for his help. He came through!  He brought me to a treatment center via numerous guardian angels and introduced me to A.A.
   Once in the meeting rooms and reading the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I felt I was doomed, as Step 3 said "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."  Oh oh.  Now what?  I learned there in treatment that I could make up my own Higher Power, call it/Him God if I chose. I could chose a doorknob, or a rock, or the group. So in the interim I chose the neon sign outside my window of the Circus Circus clown face.  Bright. Warm. Happy.  So while there he filled my needs as I gave Him my will and my life.
   Many years have passed and my Higher Power has developed into one omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent Being. Very spiritual and even religious. Very comforting and loving. Very patient and leading. I am so grateful for the higher power of my understanding and couldn't imagine doing life without Him!
   Life is easier today. I have contentment and fullness. I have purpose. All of which I had none of before getting sober.
   With that I shall share with you two of my writings I found after relapsing after over 13 years of sobriety...
   In A.A. We have prayers that help guide us through the course of our days, our lives. This first writing is about our Seventh Step Prayer,

Seventh Step Prayer

My Creator,  I am now willing that you should have all of me, good & bad.  I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you & my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do Your bidding.

10 Days Ago

  I am now willing for you to have all of me, good and bad...
  Today is day 10.  10 days since my first oral surgery.  5 days since opening up the stitches which I ripped open and redoing the stitches.  10 days without pain pills. 10 days of pain. Good and bad.
   I have extreme bone loss, bone deterioration, on the upper part of my mouth. Not sure exactly why. Have some ideas, but does it REALLY matter?  I have it. Kind of like being an alcoholic. Not exactly sure why. Have some ideas, but does it REALLY matter?  I have it. Good and bad.
  You know. I can ask the doc for pain pills. But, you see, I got clean and sober in 1998 and stayed that way over 13 years. Relapse #1  came from removing myself from my recovery. Not giving back what was so freely given to me. I picked up in a pinhole of weakness.
  Got myself back into my recovery. Relapses #2 and 3 came from getting giddy and excited and crazy and stupid about pain pills during dentist visits. You know, when the pain subsides, I should flush the remaining pills. But I like them. Not only did they numb the pain, they gave me energy and motivation to get things done.  Taking pain pills for reasons other than pain is a relapse. So be it.  Good and bad.
  Relapse on pain pills is relapse. Already blew sobriety date so why not drink?  These relapses went on for a few weeks. Kept going to meetings wishing that through osmosis the f***ing obsession which took over my every thought and my entire life would be lifted.  Eventually it was only because I was taught to be rigorously honest and to hit my knees harder.
  I have 47 days clean and sober today. Last relapse came from eating something in which  I was unaware contained alcohol. Set off the disease, the Devil, in my brain. Drank. 3 swigs.  Okay. A slip.
  So I told myself last night in writhing pain in my mouth and in my stomach from taking so many Tylenols and Advils last 10 days that I would ask doc today for non-narcotic pain med if I woke up still in pain. Yup. Still have pain. Nope. Not gonna call. I've endured this for 10 days now and not sure how even a non-narcotic will affect that part of my brain different from the "normies" that says "USE"!
  One day at a time. Good and bad. Today I GET to feel pain. Today I GET to write about it with clarity. Today I GET to share it with those who do and don't have this disease.
Good and bad.

3 Weeks Ago

   Dear God, I'm remembering 3 weeks ago when you were here for me but I wasn't here for you. It was still about Dee, the warm fuzzy feeling, the high, the escape, the rush...the selfishness. I do not wish to close the door on 3 weeks ago, but to use those memories, those thoughts, those feelings to better do Thy Will TODAY. Thank you for waiting patiently for me, for your protection and your path. May I do Thy Will ALWAYS. Amen.

   Today I have 209 days of sobriety.  I don't want to go back to the obsession. Today I don't have to. Today my life is good. I am calm. I am centered. I am positive and optimistic. That would all be taken away if I took just one swig! if I took one pill for reasons other than its intention.
   Today I can be rigorously honest with you, with strangers, and with myself. It still feels a little weird that I broadcast that I am an alcoholic on public media. This too shall pass, as I feel I have a message to share. A message of hope. For there are millions of us out there that have some kind of obsession.  With fellowship and faith in a power greater than yourself, a God of your understanding, yes, this too shall pass. Your life can be meaningful and purposeful.  You can share your experience, strength and hope with someone still suffering from obsessions.
   Thank God today I have peace and serenity.

For those on da Big Island I still have gifts for Christmas, emphasizing recovery and life on da islands.  Visit my website at DeesignsByHarris.com to shop.  Aloha.

   Merry Christmas to you all!  Have a mighty fine day!  Aloha from Dee.