Living Passion

LIVING PASSION

   Just completed a meditation. Haven't given myself that special time for a few weeks now. I find I reap most from meditating along with The Daily Mentors Channel. Such wonderful guidance really sets those meditational juices a-flowing, be that as redundant as it may.  Today I share with you some of the message that touched me.  Today's theme...I live my life with passion and enthusiasm.
   We all want to live with more enthusiasm and passion.  Being excited about what we do everyday and sharing our gifts with the world...that's how we cultivate joy, and energy.   Passion is energy.  It's the power that comes from focusing on what excites you.
   We each have a calling and that calling is as unique as a fingerprint.  And that calling is what leads you to your passion. Discover what ignites your passion. Let it light you up.  And then find a way to share that.  Honor your calling, your life's true purpose, and this way you will find happiness, and success.
   Yes, everyone has a special purpose in life.  We each possess a unique talent with a unique way of expressing it.  For every unique talent and expression of that gift there also comes unique needs. Unique needs are just waiting for us to fulfill them. When we offer our special purpose and service to others we experience our true spirit by asking ourselves "How can I help?  How can I be of service using my unique talents?"  Then we are able to move beyond the ego and into the realm of true spirit. Connecting with our purpose we live our lives with passion and great enthusiasm.
   A life lived with passion brings with it many benefits:  a brain that builds new pathways towards better habits; a mind that remains active and sharp; and relationships that remain rich and deeply rewarding.
   Wow, I think I am on my way to all of the above. What an exciting journey!  Firstly, now that I have started my own business with art and stained glass, my true artistic passion, I am so excited to wake up everyday and go to work!  How cool is that?  My artwork is categorized into two themes:  Gifts in Recovery and Hawai'i Art.   My gratitude for this passion and this business, and this life, is printed on my business cards, "My greatest gift in recovery is sharing it with you!"  Thus, I am cultivating joy and energy in my own life!
   Yes, my calling is as unique as a fingerprint, yet the same as so many of my brothers and sisters in recovery. We share our experiences, strengths and hopes with each other each and everyday. We find value having lived our lives in and with our addictions, then finding an easier, softer way with which to live.  We find strength and gratitude from sharing this easier, softer way, and offer hope to those still struggling.
   My recovery is my calling.  It has reignited a passion in me for my artwork. With my artwork I share my recovery by creating pieces that represent recovery and hope and optimism and gratitude. Recovery has also awarded me the gift of living in Hawai'i with all it's beauty and splendor, aloha and spirit. I strive to share this in my art as well.  Honor my calling and I shall find happiness and success. There is no doubt in my mind, nor my heart.
   We each have a unique way of expressing our unique talents. Mine is through my art, and my writing.  I have faith that with each and every writing a ray of hope will alight in one person that gives hope, a pinhole of excitement, even perhaps a pinch of optimism.
   So this last year I have learned to move beyond my ego. I started to write a blog. In all honesty it started as a business decision. A recommendation to promote my business. But it has become so much more than that. It has become an avenue for me to heal, and show gratitude, and offer hope. I so was uncomfortable that each and every blog contained the title of my first blog "When I Grow Up I Want to Be an Alcoholic...and an Artist".  It kept popping up for months on Facebook each and every time I posted a new blog.  Kept feeling that yucky feeling of uncomfortableness.  Finally figured out how to remove it, but not before about twenty blogs with this title, and confession, popping up in bold caps.  You know, there's a reason this popped up repeatedly over the months. Eye catching, eh, and hopefully to someone battling with addictions.  Yep, I have to move beyond my ego to carry the message.  I have to accept that substance abuse is a disease, not a self-control "loser" dilemma. With that I am moving onto the realm of my true spirit.
   Indeed, I am on my way to living passion. This new year for me brings me much excitement and enthusiasm as last year held such a heart- and mind-opening journey. And I can only feel this year offering more of the same!
   I truly hope you are on your journey of passion. Have a mighty fine day!  With much Aloha...Dee.
   For those interested in visiting my passion in art, please go to www.DeesignsByHarris.com. I encourage feedback regarding both my artwork and my blog!  Mahalo, Dee.

Today I Am Open to the Presence of Miracles

Today I Am Open to the Presence of Miracles

   Somewhere back a few months ago I heard “be mindful”.  I am so not mindful most of the time unless I make a conscious effort to be so.  Although I practice simplicity, calmness, balance and centeredness in my life, I still find my mind going off here and there and in every direction.  I am so not mindful when I am driving, when I am having a conversation, of my surroundings, its beauty, nor the birds chirping.

   If I am not mindful I am sure to miss the presence of miracles.  Miracles are extremely rare and extraordinary events that defies the laws of nature, acts of God, divine interventions.  Do I want to miss these because I am not paying attention? not being mindful?  

   Miracles only seem extraordinary because I am not paying attention in my life.  They happen every day and when I start to pay attention I begin to notice them.  If I am mindful I can allow miracles to transform my life into a dazzling experience.

   My goal today is to be present, to be mindful, to experience the miracles.  I do not make a practice of making New Year’s resolutions but being mindful is something I shall strive for this new year.  With that comes getting on my motorcycle, mindful, and practice, practice, practice until its operation becomes second nature…and fun.  That for me shall be considered a miracle.  Yes, I shall be mindful when operating a vehicle and machinery as today I very much value my life, and yours.

   I shall strive to give full attention to you when you speak to me.  You deserve it.  It is respectful.  I shall look into your eyes.  Our eyes say so much about us.  They tell us what is in our hearts that sometimes our words cannot express.  Yes, I shall be mindful of your words and your eyes.

   I shall be mindful of my surroundings.  I shall use all of my senses to do so.  Nothing more wonderful than feeling the breeze which I believe is God wrapping His arms around me.  Or the sounds of chirping birds which is my grandpa in Heaven singing happily and freely.  Or that ant struggling to carry that crumb back to the army which reminds me about service and dedication and unity.  I shall see the clouds carrying away all my troubles.  I shall stop and smell the plumeria in all its glory.  And I shall taste life in a way never before experienced, in a mindful way, in a being-in-the-moment way.

   And with that I shall hopefully experience miracles I otherwise would have missed.  Slow down, Dee.  I’ll get there when I’m supposed to.  Enjoy the journey.

   Have a wonderful New Year.  Yes, enjoy the journey.  And have a mighty fine day!  With much aloha…Dee

For those interested in viewing my web-based business, please visit my site at www.DeesignsByHarris.com for Gifts in Recovery and Hawai'i Art.  Mahalo!

A Power Greater than Myself

   

   Before realizing that I am an alcoholic I had simple spirituality in my life. As a child we didn't go to church nor speak much of religion but I knew Mom had a belief in God. Once I bottomed out which meant for me I no longer had a choice in whether or not I wanted a drink, but HAD to drink, for a very long time, I prayed to my dad who died of this disease and begged for his help. He came through!  He brought me to a treatment center via numerous guardian angels and introduced me to A.A.
   Once in the meeting rooms and reading the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I felt I was doomed, as Step 3 said "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."  Oh oh.  Now what?  I learned there in treatment that I could make up my own Higher Power, call it/Him God if I chose. I could chose a doorknob, or a rock, or the group. So in the interim I chose the neon sign outside my window of the Circus Circus clown face.  Bright. Warm. Happy.  So while there he filled my needs as I gave Him my will and my life.
   Many years have passed and my Higher Power has developed into one omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent Being. Very spiritual and even religious. Very comforting and loving. Very patient and leading. I am so grateful for the higher power of my understanding and couldn't imagine doing life without Him!
   Life is easier today. I have contentment and fullness. I have purpose. All of which I had none of before getting sober.
   With that I shall share with you two of my writings I found after relapsing after over 13 years of sobriety...
   In A.A. We have prayers that help guide us through the course of our days, our lives. This first writing is about our Seventh Step Prayer,

Seventh Step Prayer

My Creator,  I am now willing that you should have all of me, good & bad.  I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you & my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do Your bidding.

10 Days Ago

  I am now willing for you to have all of me, good and bad...
  Today is day 10.  10 days since my first oral surgery.  5 days since opening up the stitches which I ripped open and redoing the stitches.  10 days without pain pills. 10 days of pain. Good and bad.
   I have extreme bone loss, bone deterioration, on the upper part of my mouth. Not sure exactly why. Have some ideas, but does it REALLY matter?  I have it. Kind of like being an alcoholic. Not exactly sure why. Have some ideas, but does it REALLY matter?  I have it. Good and bad.
  You know. I can ask the doc for pain pills. But, you see, I got clean and sober in 1998 and stayed that way over 13 years. Relapse #1  came from removing myself from my recovery. Not giving back what was so freely given to me. I picked up in a pinhole of weakness.
  Got myself back into my recovery. Relapses #2 and 3 came from getting giddy and excited and crazy and stupid about pain pills during dentist visits. You know, when the pain subsides, I should flush the remaining pills. But I like them. Not only did they numb the pain, they gave me energy and motivation to get things done.  Taking pain pills for reasons other than pain is a relapse. So be it.  Good and bad.
  Relapse on pain pills is relapse. Already blew sobriety date so why not drink?  These relapses went on for a few weeks. Kept going to meetings wishing that through osmosis the f***ing obsession which took over my every thought and my entire life would be lifted.  Eventually it was only because I was taught to be rigorously honest and to hit my knees harder.
  I have 47 days clean and sober today. Last relapse came from eating something in which  I was unaware contained alcohol. Set off the disease, the Devil, in my brain. Drank. 3 swigs.  Okay. A slip.
  So I told myself last night in writhing pain in my mouth and in my stomach from taking so many Tylenols and Advils last 10 days that I would ask doc today for non-narcotic pain med if I woke up still in pain. Yup. Still have pain. Nope. Not gonna call. I've endured this for 10 days now and not sure how even a non-narcotic will affect that part of my brain different from the "normies" that says "USE"!
  One day at a time. Good and bad. Today I GET to feel pain. Today I GET to write about it with clarity. Today I GET to share it with those who do and don't have this disease.
Good and bad.

3 Weeks Ago

   Dear God, I'm remembering 3 weeks ago when you were here for me but I wasn't here for you. It was still about Dee, the warm fuzzy feeling, the high, the escape, the rush...the selfishness. I do not wish to close the door on 3 weeks ago, but to use those memories, those thoughts, those feelings to better do Thy Will TODAY. Thank you for waiting patiently for me, for your protection and your path. May I do Thy Will ALWAYS. Amen.

   Today I have 209 days of sobriety.  I don't want to go back to the obsession. Today I don't have to. Today my life is good. I am calm. I am centered. I am positive and optimistic. That would all be taken away if I took just one swig! if I took one pill for reasons other than its intention.
   Today I can be rigorously honest with you, with strangers, and with myself. It still feels a little weird that I broadcast that I am an alcoholic on public media. This too shall pass, as I feel I have a message to share. A message of hope. For there are millions of us out there that have some kind of obsession.  With fellowship and faith in a power greater than yourself, a God of your understanding, yes, this too shall pass. Your life can be meaningful and purposeful.  You can share your experience, strength and hope with someone still suffering from obsessions.
   Thank God today I have peace and serenity.

For those on da Big Island I still have gifts for Christmas, emphasizing recovery and life on da islands.  Visit my website at DeesignsByHarris.com to shop.  Aloha.

   Merry Christmas to you all!  Have a mighty fine day!  Aloha from Dee.

KEEP BALANCED

Keep Balanced

  It is easy to get overcommitted, burned out, bummed out, worn out, and stressed out if you are trying to keep up with too many commitments. It is out of balance to try to do everything. If you are happy doing what you do, keep doing it.  But if it wears you out and robs you of peace, don't do it. What sense does it make to commit to something, and then murmur and complain about it while you're doing it?

  Being overcommitted will frustrate you. Anxiety is usually a sign that God never told you to do what you are doing in the first place. To avoid frustration in your life, keep in balance.  

  These paragraphs were written by Joyce Meyer in "Starting Your Day Right" in her Devotions book.

   A perfect message for me to hear after these last couple of trying weeks.  Trying…not in a bad way.  Just in a way in which I am not accustomed.  Busy weeks.  Holiday weeks.

   Business-wise, I really have no clue in which direction to take my new business.  Having already learned so much with my business since retiring from Safeway, all I know is it’s holiday time and that means the time to make money.  But where do I concentrate my efforts?  

   Well I put it out there, to the universe and my Higher Power, and everybody.  Sit back and enjoy the ride, Dee.  I’ve made sales, got custom orders, did a crafts fair.  Doesn’t seem like enough for me, but for my first holiday season, I’m happy.

   Physically, my body told me something’s awry.  Perhaps it started at Thanksgiving.  The fact that we were invited to four Thanksgiving gatherings set me off-balance straight away.  But I chose to attend each gathering so that I may enjoy the company of people special to me…and yes, I chose to eat at three of the four gatherings.  I always know when I eat too much when my stomach is so full that my back hurts.

   Day after Thanksgiving comes a two-day crafts fair.  Physically trying as I no like doing crafts fairs.  I like creating art, not selling it.  Get real, Dee.  Can’t have one without the other and have a successful business.

   Start getting sore throat at crafts fair.  Oh oh.  Family is flying in Monday afternoon.  Netty pot, citrus, ZiCam…  But house is messy and Christmas decorations aren’t up.  Might as well wrap presents while putting up the decorations for Granny to enjoy.  Wait.  Haven’t ordered Christmas cards yet.  Or written the Harris annual letter that goes with the cards.

   Feeling shitty but continue on with projects.  All the while doing business on the side.  Auntie calls.  She won’t be making it Monday afternoon after all.  They’ll be here late Tuesday.  Ahhh.  Bummer.  But get to rest a bit before they arrive.

   Spiritually, haven’t meditated or taken any Dee time since “I can’t remember when”.  Continued attending meetings which helped get centered until the family arrived.  Once they were here, chose to spend every minute with them.  Stupid, in retrospect.  Why can’t I pull myself away from Grandma for an hour to recenter?  I’d be better off, as would she and the rest of the world, to remember who and what I am.

   So I am really out of balance now.  My family is here and we’re enjoying each other’s company and love.  My granny gets my sickness, as does our other guest, Pat.  Really, Dee.  What choice did I have but to go to a hotel?  Too late.

   I continue trudging my path to happy destiny.  I’m getting better as are they.  Not a lot of busyness nor chaos during their stay.  Wonderful, as a matter of fact.  Lots of eating and bonding.  All the while getting some business in on the side.

   Mentally, I thought I was okay.  Which is why I’m sharing this “Keep Balanced” blog.  While family was here we discussed “giving”.  I’m a giver.  Don’t know when to say “no”.  Even when saying “yes” knocks me clear out of balance to the other side of the galaxy.  I rationalize and tell myself it’s the “aloha way” which is what I love so much about living in Hawaii.  It gives my heart joy and sends it soaring like an eagle.  What goes around, comes around.  Stop it, Dee, before I puke.  

   So we discuss the negatives and the positives about being there for others.  We discuss the line between when I’m being helpful and when I’m being used.  I believe this is a work in progress for me.  This is part of my Fourth Step and my inventory and working on my character defects.  This is also about taking everything I’ve learned in A.A. and applying it to my life.  Progress, not perfection.  I’ve learned to put puzzling and troubling situations in my God Box, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

   So this is where I am today.  Enjoying the ride.  My family has since returned to the Mainland.  Auntie and I had words via text which were uncomfortable for me regarding “giving”.  I needed to write this to take the power out of the words and hand them over to my Higher Power and have faith that I am a human being trying to do the best I can and everything is happening for a reason and I shall be okay.  Today my goal is keeping balanced.  Prioritizing.  Staying out of HALT…hungry, angry, lonely, tired.  With that, I shall be able to walk the tightrope called life…balanced!

   Have a mighty fine day.  Thank you for being here for me.  Merry Christmas!

   For those interested in Christmas gifts, I have a website at www.DeesignsByHarris.com with Gifts in Recovery and Hawai’i Art.  Not too late for Christmas!  No stress! 

LIFE PARTNERS

Life Partners

   What is a life partner?  The bond between two people who commit to being in a relationship with each other for a lifetime. Who want to focus on the profound love that comes from committing mind, body and soul to another. Such a bond requires allowing the other person to be, because deep sacred love comes directly from the soul which wants nothing but to give. When we give freely and are open to receiving, when we share our love of the world, we form a partnership that stands the test of time 

   I absolutely love today's meditation on the Mentors Channel with Louie Schwartzberg!  Because it is a reminder of  how complete I finally feel in my life, how grateful I am, how content and full I am!  I finally have my life partner back in my life after a whole marriage of being apart. 

   30 years ago when Graeme and I got together I was deep in my disease of substance abuse. We had two children, house, cars, jobs, the whole nine yards. But I was not grateful, content nor full. I was empty and in a deep dark void. I would often wonder "Is this it?  I don't get it?  There's got to be more to life because those around me seem happy and purposeful. I just don't get it".  

   Graeme and the boys lived half our marriage with "that person".  I functioned. I worked. I did domestic and extracurricular things. As a closet drinker I put on a good front for you in the real world, but behind closed doors my family had to live with and tolerate "that person".

   Long story short I finally reached my bottom. And with the help of my dad up in heaven and a power greater than myself I was rescued. I was given a second chance.  But the life partner relationship was still not strong nor valued. 

   As Graeme was gone way more than he was home as a truck driver the kids and I continued to function as the all-American family. But I knew that all was not peachy. I yearned for completeness. I still had that void. Then the kids grew up and went away to college. Empty nest syndrome?  Perhaps, but I don't think so. I was used to the ski-racer kids being away for long periods at a time. But when I knew they weren't coming home and Graeme would "visit" two or three days a month, something started to wear on me. 

   It was the quality of our relationship. For me it was not good. Of course the lack of quantity did not help so that when Graeme came home for a "visit" he would be all stressed out trying to do this, that, and the other before he quickly had to get back out on the road. Because I do not do stress well I oftentimes was relieved when he left. Sad. 

   After a few years of that and telling myself that all was good as the resentments of shoveling snow from one pile to the other to make room for the snow that had to come off the roof but keep the driveway clear, yadda, yadda, yadda, Hawai'i and the honu called me to come home. The bear at Tahoe told me that my cycle there was complete. 

   I am now home in Hawai'i. Hmmmm.  Still something awry. I have a higher power telling me to be grateful, that I am right where I need to be. But something still lacking and I feel that void. After a year and a half in Hawai'i seeing Graeme even less now than in Tahoe, the best Christmas present ever!  He sold the truck and is coming home!  

   Be careful what you wish for as we have never had a husband and wife relationship sober and sans kids. What if we can't live together?  What if we hate each other?  What if our lives really go to shit?  I have learned to live one day at a time, in gratitude, and if that's the way it's supposed to be, so be it. 

   Almost two years we have been together, finally, and my life has never been better. My void is gone. I have someone with whom to talk story everyday. To share the daily trivia that is my life. I have someone to cook for and eat with. I have someone with whom to go to the grocery store (missed that the most while working as a grocery checker).  I have someone to cry with and laugh with. My life is full.  I am content. 

   Please allow me to share what I have learned from this morning's meditation. Insight for today:  Remember to thank your beloved for being who they are, for allowing you to be who you are, and for being willing to travel on this journey of life with you.  Thought for today:  I am grateful for the gift of unconditional love my life partner and I happily share. 

    Nourishing your relationship creates a strong foundation on which to build a life. A relationship such as this is a sacred blessing for which we should be grateful. I am so very grateful!

   With that I shall leave you until next week. Have a mighty fine day and try to be grateful for all that surrounds you. Aloha, Dee.

   For those interested in viewing my Gifts in Recovery and Hawai'i Art, please visit my website at www.DeesignsByHarris.com. Mahalo.

   

Share the Magic

  

 A couple of weekends ago I had the privilege of attending the 52nd Annual Hawaii Convention in Honolulu.  What a weekend of blessings sharing experience, strength, and hope with the most genuine folks I have ever met!  Being born and raised in California in a city with the highest crime rate per capita in the nation, I quickly learned to not talk to strangers and to not trust them. Back in '98 in a treatment center I was introduced to a fellowship that made me feel I was accepted for who I am and genuinely felt nothing was wanted from me except my well-being. With that my gift to them was that I helped to keep them sober yet one more day as they helped me to do the same.
   This weekend I was surrounded by thousands of genuine human beings in recovery. Most of them strangers, yet we had something in common. We were all recovering from the disease of alcoholism and we were all united to share our gift of recovery.  We laughed together, we cried together, we talked story, we shared inspiration. It was magical!
   That doesn't mean there are no bad apples in our fellowship. There are bad apples in every barrel. However, I am finding that most of the apples I've met in the fellowship, as well as in Hawaii, are quality. I am learning that most of the people I encounter are not the ones that inundate our news. We still have a really good human race, in our fellowship, in Hawaii, in our country, and on our planet.
   Yes, the times they are a-changing, but the values that were instilled in me as a child I am trying to instill in our youth.  And so are all of you. We're gonna be all right.  If we don't give up. If we still live with hope and optimism and respect. My faith in humanity is being restored one day at a time, as is my sanity and serenity. Don't jump ship before the miracle.
   This Thanksgiving week has been one of craziness and busyness and wonder fullness. Trying to create a new successful business is one of trials and tribulations.  Holiday time is crunch time.  Not knowing which way to turn nor concentrate my efforts, I've learned to set my goals, give them to the universe, and enjoy the ride. Well, it works. I was able to do what I could and what I was meant to do, and have a successful week in business. To top it off, I was invited to four Thanksgiving gatherings, attended them all, and ate until my stomach was so full that my back hurt. Sad. But the most wonderful part of all was spending time with those who mean so much to me, again, talking story, sharing inspiration, and sharing magic.
   That magic is love. And true friendship. I am so blessed to have so much. For that I am forever grateful. For that I shall share my blessings.
    Aloha, my friends. Share the magic. Until next week, have a mighty fine day!  Dee.

For those interested in great holiday gifts please visit my website at www.DeesignsByHarris.com!  Enjoy and mahalo!

LETTING GO

When I Let Go of What I Am, I Become What I Might Be

---Tao Te Ching

   As I enjoy today's meditation from 21 Days of Gratitude from MentorsChannel.com, so much has been brought to mind about the past two months since I retired from Safeway to pursue my passion in art and create a new business, Deesigns by Harris.  And I am taught early in the meditation "should random thoughts appear accept them and allowance them to move through your consciousness as floating clouds that appear then disappear".  In other words, "Be quiet, Brain!"
   With my meditation now complete I am urged to write the feelings that have come to me from this morning's quiet time.  The topic for today is "Setting Goals and Letting Go".  I love the reinforcement of going with the flow and letting go of expectations.  I have learned in AA "No expectations. No disappointments".  Great slogan. I love that I can be grateful for this day, for the moment, that it is the only thing that matters. I often lose sight of this simple message as the day evolves and things get crazy...as I get crazy, as I allow myself to get crazy.
   Thought for the day "I set my goals, allow the power of the living universe to take over...and I enjoy the ride".  How sweet is that?  Another slogan "Let Go.  Let God". For me to follow my heart and quiet my brain is a work in progress. To have accepted that I am not in charge, never have been, never will be.  Such an easier, softer way to live rather than being in control, or thinking I was.  That conflict and friction that lived within me, tormented me for most of my life, has now been removed.
   Getting back to these last two months, I had no idea how to put together an online business to sell my art. My passion is creating art, not selling it. So I study and study, and research and research, trial and error, hit and miss, so on and so forth.  I have learned so much each and every day.  It's awesome and exciting and rejuvenating!  Yes, change is good. Such a journey getting from point A to point B. Sometimes that includes doing things we're not so fond of doing, but yet still part of the journey to achieve the dream.
   So as I let go of what I am, a new entrepreneur in a high tech world off to sell her passion, I am able to become what I might be...an artist who gets to share her gifts with those who want to enjoy those gifts and a part of my life creating them.  Such hope and dreams await me at the end of the rainbow!  As I let go of what I am, an alcoholic in recovery, I am able to become what I might be, a caring person who offers hope, a kind word, and a smile to the newcomer who has yet to find peace.
   When I am able to set my goals and then let them go like stress clouds during meditation, things just start to happen just the way they are supposed to. And I am right where I need to be.  On my journey.
   It is the mystery of the unknown that adds color and dimension to our lives.  Let go, let God, move into that place of wonder and breathe in the magic!  Walk in gratitude today giving thanks for your ability not only to dream the dream, but to live them.
   Thank you Louie Schwartzberg for a beautiful meditation and inspirational words. With that I leave you to have a mighty fine day. Until next week...Aloha, Dee.
   For those interested in visiting my website of Gifts in Recovery and Hawai'i Art, please visit my website at www.DeesignsByHarris.com.  Mahalo!