It Is As Hard to See One's Self As to Look Backwards

Without Turning Around

Henry David Thoreau

   I often say that I wouldn't go back one day, one year, one decade in my life.  I have learned that I'm right where I need to be.  And why would I?  Today, right now, I have found peace and serenity; I have found contentment and faith; I have found love of self and of my fellows.  My life is good.  My life is awesome!

   Ok, you say, but what about the aches and pains?  What about the jelly belly and bat wings?  What about loss of vision and memory?  Hey, I earned all those things through 58 years of blood, sweat and tears.  I don't know if I'm in my " golden" years.  58 sound old to me, yet 58 sounds young to me.  As George Burns puts it, "Young. Old. Just words."  I like that, George.  It's all in the mindset and how I look at things...and, more importantly, how I feel about things.

   Ok, I still struggle with finances.  Silly me retired from my job of over 19 years to pursue my passion as an artist.  I've yet to receive a pension check.  I don't even know how much it will be!  But something deep inside kept pulling me away from the comfort zone of Safeway to do something more purposeful.  My counselor in treatment said to me before releasing me back "into the real world" that it was a waste, my being a grocery checker, that I had much more to offer. That sat in the back of my mind for 15 years as I trudged the road of happy destiny.  And the Goat and my Goat Horoscope (born in the Chinese astrological year of the goat) kept pulling me this year to pursue my dreams, get out of my comfort zone, achieve greatness, and enjoy the ride!  Kinda scary, but learned to go with faith and not my thoughts...live from my heart and not my head.

   I have learned so much this first month of Safeway retirement.  Most of my non-recovery efforts being placed in striving for a successful business.  Being from the old computer-less school of hard knocks, I am learning a whole new way of high tech business.  And as much as I love creating AA Unity...Service...Recovery stained glass triangles, I have learned not to put all my eggs in the " recovery" basket and to get back out creating non-recovery art as well.  It doesn't matter to me what I'm creating, as I'm living my passion!  It's all recovery and therapy and gratitude to me whilst pouring my heart into my art.  I must have balance and that goes for the rest of my life as well.

   So you see already in this short month of "real job" retirement, I look backwards, but I ain't turning around.  I've come so far and learned so much!  But that ain't nothing in comparison of looking back without turning around in my life in recovery.  I have a design for living as I have learned the 12 Steps and strive to live the steps which has taught me to search deep within myself to find out what makes Dee tick.  You see, it wasn't an alcohol or drug issue that took me down; that was just a symptom of my disease.  It was a Dee issue.  How mind-blowing and freeing to be able to discover my make up and why I reacted throughout my life the way I did.  More miraculously is that I don't have to live that way today or ever again!  No, I ain't turning around.  How awesome that I don't have to pick up a drink or a drug today when I don't like how I'm feeling. Hey, Dee, that's just human nature and not everyday is going to come up smelling like roses.  I have tools today to help me live life on life's terms and today that's a damned good life.  Today I'm so very grateful, so very thankful, for looking backwards and seeing how far I've come.  Today I have a choice of not using, whereas, I did not have a choice 15 years ago and lived in the darkness at least that long.  Today I have allowed inspiring people into my life who are genuinely here for me.  Today I have a purpose of sharing this message and offering hope to those who are still struggling.

   With that I shall end for this week.  I wish you all peace...and, please, try to have a mighty fine day...look backwards without turning around...it's all about moving forward in a better and more positive direction!  With much Aloha, Dee.

   For those curious about my new art business, please visit my website at DeesignsByHarris.com.