UNCOVER YOUR TRUE SELF
The only way to understand your
true self is to begin the work of uncovering it. But first you must be able to distinguish between your false
self and your true self. When you
are feeling secure, accepted, peaceful and certain, you are experiencing your
true self. When you are
overwhelmed by stress, crisis, doubts and insecurity, your false self has
control.
I am trying meditation. A very dear friend has shared with me a
free 14-day internet program, Deepak Chopra’s Secrets of Meditation, at
mentorschannel.com, which I am finding fantastic! I have tried meditation
before but found it quite difficult to shut up the committee in my head. My
acupuncturist relayed to me that there are many forms of meditation and the traditional
kind is not for me. So I put it off for a while longer until this program
which, again, is showing me that I can actually do this!
Each day's 15-minute meditation comes
with a few short paragraphs and a few short words to help with that day’s
particular meditation's theme.
Just reading the words gets the seeds in my whirlwind brain a-sprouting
for a wonderful and relaxing journey.
Seems as though all my thoughts and
actions occur in a gratuitous way due to my sobriety. But more importantly, sobriety has given me spirituality
that I believe is the essence of my being and purpose now. All a bit too
hokey for you? Would be for me too if I was reading this. No,
When I went to treatment back in '98 I
learned about a new and huge part of myself...my alcoholism...my disease. I felt like a sponge absorbing every
drop of this new knowledge about what makes Dee tick. As in Deepak's first sentence I was graced to be able to
understand my true self by uncovering it.
I was and still am working on shedding the shame, humiliation and dread of
the disease. I was given a choice
I didn't previously have of whether or not to pick up a drink or drug. I chose
to put my disease in remission, leave it there, knowing it's doing push-ups
waiting for that pinhole of weakness that will pick me right back up and splat
me right back down to the eternal flames in Hell. I know this in my heart and I know this because the
fellowship of AA has taught me this.
And, okay, I know this because I relapsed.
I learned a lot of things in treatment
and AA meetings. I learned a
design for living that was simple, but not always easy. I realized that I had been chosen not
to die in a gutter or a dumpster but to carry a message of hope that, yes, you
too can live a better life.
Two of the many AA slogans are "Keep
coming back. It works." and "One Day at a Time." The more
sobriety I got under my belt, the more complacent I got. I stopped going to meetings. I stopped being there for the
newcomer. I stopped carrying the
message. And one day at a time I
picked up another drink, totally baffled that I would do that. You see, meetings are for me like going
to church and giving thanks for my many blessings. Meetings are where I can be of service and not forget how
shitty my life was before you put your hand out to me and gave me hope. I
stopped sharing was so freely given to me when I needed it most...when I was at
my bottom.
I am now going to meetings again to
build up my insurance policy in case I find myself confronted with another
pinhole of weakness. It didn't
matter that I had over 13 years of sobriety. It didn't matter that I thought that first drink through to
the end knowing I could end up in the gutter or dumpster. It didn't even matter that I said
"No, thank you, I haven't had a drink in over 13 years”. When that shot of tequila was left
there for me in case I changed my mind, with my lapsed insurance policy, I
picked up. One drink. That's all it takes, girls and
boys. It's that first drink. The disease that was doing push-ups in
prison for all those years was buff and had six-pack abs (no pun
intended). The obsession immediately takes over my mind, body and
soul. What a sad place to
be.
Got my ass back in meetings, every day,
90 meetings in 90 days, even though I couldn’t help myself and admitted I had
drank the night before. Day after
day. Night after night. But my chair was still waiting for me
and the fellowship greeted me with love and open arms and understanding. I was home again getting right-sized
(another slogan). Miraculously,
once again, the obsession was lifted.
I love this journey of mine and the
lessons I have learned along the way.
Deepak's second sentence is to distinguish between my false and true
self. I am on that journey and am
still discovering and learning to love my true self a little bit more
everyday. Makes me sad about all
those years spent being the false Dee, but wouldn't be me today without
them. I am starting to feel
secure, accepted, peaceful and certain (sentence#3) which is so awesome to know
I am finally starting to experience my true self.
Hey, you might not have any addictions,
but I still highly recommend this meditation, unless, of course, you haven't
any stress, crisis, doubts and insecurity. All I know is that my life is good today and I have
contentment I never thought possible.
With that, have a mighty fine day and
see you next Monday.
For those interested in my gifts
in recovery, please visit my website at DeesignsByHarris.com.
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