Monday, October 21, 2013

UNCOVER YOUR TRUE SELF


UNCOVER YOUR TRUE SELF

   The only way to understand your true self is to begin the work of uncovering it.  But first you must be able to distinguish between your false self and your true self.  When you are feeling secure, accepted, peaceful and certain, you are experiencing your true self.  When you are overwhelmed by stress, crisis, doubts and insecurity, your false self has control.

   I am trying meditation.  A very dear friend has shared with me a free 14-day internet program, Deepak Chopra’s Secrets of Meditation, at mentorschannel.com, which I am finding fantastic!  I have tried meditation before but found it quite difficult to shut up the committee in my head. My acupuncturist relayed to me that there are many forms of meditation and the traditional kind is not for me. So I put it off for a while longer until this program which, again, is showing me that I can actually do this!
   Each day's 15-minute meditation comes with a few short paragraphs and a few short words to help with that day’s particular meditation's theme.  Just reading the words gets the seeds in my whirlwind brain a-sprouting for a wonderful and relaxing journey. 
   Seems as though all my thoughts and actions occur in a gratuitous way due to my sobriety.  But more importantly, sobriety has given me spirituality that I believe is the essence of my being and purpose now.  All a bit too hokey for you?  Would be for me too if I was reading this.  No,
I'm still the sick selfish kid I've always been with the “If it ain’t fun, I ain't doin' it!” mentality.  But I'm finding this fun and exciting and teaching me more each day about the Dee I never knew was in there.
   When I went to treatment back in '98 I learned about a new and huge part of myself...my alcoholism...my disease.  I felt like a sponge absorbing every drop of this new knowledge about what makes Dee tick.  As in Deepak's first sentence I was graced to be able to understand my true self by uncovering it.  I was and still am working on shedding the shame, humiliation and dread of the disease.  I was given a choice I didn't previously have of whether or not to pick up a drink or drug. I chose to put my disease in remission, leave it there, knowing it's doing push-ups waiting for that pinhole of weakness that will pick me right back up and splat me right back down to the eternal flames in Hell.  I know this in my heart and I know this because the fellowship of AA has taught me this.  And, okay, I know this because I relapsed.
   I learned a lot of things in treatment and AA meetings.  I learned a design for living that was simple, but not always easy.  I realized that I had been chosen not to die in a gutter or a dumpster but to carry a message of hope that, yes, you too can live a better life.
   Two of the many AA slogans are "Keep coming back. It works." and "One Day at a Time."  The more sobriety I got under my belt, the more complacent I got.  I stopped going to meetings.  I stopped being there for the newcomer.  I stopped carrying the message.  And one day at a time I picked up another drink, totally baffled that I would do that.  You see, meetings are for me like going to church and giving thanks for my many blessings.  Meetings are where I can be of service and not forget how shitty my life was before you put your hand out to me and gave me hope.  I stopped sharing was so freely given to me when I needed it most...when I was at my bottom.
   I am now going to meetings again to build up my insurance policy in case I find myself confronted with another pinhole of weakness.  It didn't matter that I had over 13 years of sobriety.  It didn't matter that I thought that first drink through to the end knowing I could end up in the gutter or dumpster.  It didn't even matter that I said "No, thank you, I haven't had a drink in over 13 years”.  When that shot of tequila was left there for me in case I changed my mind, with my lapsed insurance policy, I picked up.  One drink.  That's all it takes, girls and boys.  It's that first drink.  The disease that was doing push-ups in prison for all those years was buff and had six-pack abs (no pun intended).  The obsession immediately takes over my mind, body and soul.  What a sad place to be. 
   Got my ass back in meetings, every day, 90 meetings in 90 days, even though I couldn’t help myself and admitted I had drank the night before.  Day after day.  Night after night.  But my chair was still waiting for me and the fellowship greeted me with love and open arms and understanding.  I was home again getting right-sized (another slogan).  Miraculously, once again, the obsession was lifted.
   I love this journey of mine and the lessons I have learned along the way.  Deepak's second sentence is to distinguish between my false and true self.  I am on that journey and am still discovering and learning to love my true self a little bit more everyday.  Makes me sad about all those years spent being the false Dee, but wouldn't be me today without them.  I am starting to feel secure, accepted, peaceful and certain (sentence#3) which is so awesome to know I am finally starting to experience my true self.
   Hey, you might not have any addictions, but I still highly recommend this meditation, unless, of course, you haven't any stress, crisis, doubts and insecurity.  All I know is that my life is good today and I have contentment I never thought possible.
   With that, have a mighty fine day and see you next Monday.
   For those interested in my gifts in recovery, please visit my website at DeesignsByHarris.com.



No comments:

Post a Comment