A Spewy Kinda Monday

   

Just read this...   
   What holds us back in our lives is our fear.  Our fears aren’t exactly what we thought they were.  Our deepest fears are not that we are inadequate.  We are powerful beyond measure.  It’s our light, not darkness, that most frightens us.  We are all meant to shine.  As we let our own light shine, we give to others to do the same.

   This is a bit difficult for me to grasp as I always felt so inadequate.  I thought I feared not living up to your expectations, that I would embarrass myself with my stupidity or ignorance.  So trying to turn this around being in fear of allowing myself to shine…hmmmm…I’ll have to work on this concept.  I know I have light, attributes, gifts.  Am I really in fear of sharing these?  Am I afraid I might appear cocky, boastful, grandiose?  Hmmmm…again.

   So when we let our own light shine we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  When we are liberated from our own fear, our presence somehow liberates others to do the same.  Okay, this makes sense.  So I need to move past my own fear.  It doesn’t just help me; it helps the world.  

   We all have our strong points and weak points.  I do share with others their special gifts and urge them to let them shine.  But am I in fear of allowing my special gifts to shine?

   Anyway, my brain is just rambling this morning and I’m spewing it out on today’s blog.  So you have some food for thought today.  Let’s just try to wake up each morning and be inspired to shine bright.  Take each day as an opportunity to liberate yourself from fear.  Be inspired and, in turn, inspire.  Respect and love yourself.

   With enough spewing for today…have a mighty fine day!  Aloha...Dee

   For those interested in viewing my spewing in art, please view my website at www.DeesignsByHarris.com.  Have added a few new designs this week!

Intention - The New Resolution

Set yourself up for success this year. Create powerful intentions!

The New Year is a time of assessment, commitment, and renewal. The energy is buzzing with the annual talk of goals and resolutions, which ordinarily carry attachments to an outcome we’re hoping to achieve, accompanied by a specific set of strict actions or behaviors and a rigid timeline to achieve said outcome. If you’ve already made a resolution for 2014 and “broken” it, you will be pleased to know there is a more powerful and pleasant way to create transformation in the New Year—and you can begin now from wherever you are. Intention is the new resolution!

Intentions set us up for success by stretching beyond the traditional resolution into the realm of infinite possibility and pure potential. An intention expands the affirmative quality of the resolution, while softening expectations of how we believe things should unfold . . . it is like sending a whisper out to the universe as we say “yes” to our vision, and plant the seeds for our deepest soul desires to come to life. It is intention that initiates inner transformation—its potency enhanced by stillness, deep listening, and faith. With no agenda or attachment to a particular result, intentions create space for divine design to enter into our lives, often producing miracles we could never conceive on our own. When we set an intention, we balance our own focused energy with the power of release, ease, and belief that all will unfold for our highest good.

Open the door to your infinite potential with this intention setting practice:

1. Make a list of all of your dreams and desires. Visualize everything on the list being carefully planted in your heart. Review your list before you go into silence and meditation, before bed, and upon waking. Send love and light to these dreams keeping your intention alive in your heart.


2. Let go. Quietly release your list of desires, gently surrendering to the movement of the universe. Trust that when things don’t seem to go your way, there is a reason, and that the cosmic plan has designs much grander than those you conceived.


3. Practice present-moment awareness. As you spend time in stillness, through meditation and other mindful practices, and begin to accept the present moment as it is, you open and make space for your deepest, most cherished intentions and desires to sprout and grow.

In Deepak’s Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, Thursday’s Law of Intention and Desire states that an intention synchronistically organizes its own fulfillment. Plant the seeds of your dreams today, tend to your garden daily, and watch your life blossom this year!

   I am reading this from the Mandala Meditation Newsletter this morning.  I see that in Sanskrit, Mandala means "circle".  The emphasis is Focus...Wisdom...Support.
   I needed to read these words this morning.  Now I need to feel these words.  To practice these words.  I have felt a bit overwhelmed lately as there is so much I want to do, to get done, and each day is filled with tasks to make these "to do's" easier and smoother in the long run, but I've yet to get them.  I feel I'm going in circles, and it doesn't feel like the Mandala circle, trying to get tasks done, but I'm doing too many and none have been completed.
   I've been trying to prepare for the Chinese New Year with a deep-cleaned house.  Already I feel a wonderful energy flowing throughout that I haven't felt in a very long while.  More than half the house has been deep-cleaned, with the other half getting done in bits and chunks.  The intention is there and shall get done.  I know I did not create this clutter overnight so cut myself some slack.
   I want to be creative.  I have cut and foiled a seascape stained glass window which has sat patiently awaiting my love for well over two weeks now.  I know that if I start to solder my obsession and passion will call for all of me...mind, body, soul, and time.  But taxes needed to be prepared.  Finances need to be organized.  Book work needs to get in order which means inventory which means where the hell are all my supplies and why are they spread out throughout the house and garage?  Oh, my.  
   Shouldn't I be making some money?  As one thing led to another last week I I found myself spending a few days working on a budget last week and, yes I should be making some money.  Well, shouldn't I update my website?  Shouldn't I come up with some new designs?  Shouldn't I find a new supplier that doesn't charge an arm and a leg for shipping and handling to Hawai'i?  Shouldn't I turn off my brain and say "Thank You" for sitting out in the patio this morning, looking at the ocean and a swimming pool, and feeling the breeze (God wrapping His arms around me!), with a laptop and a cup of Kona coffee?  Yeah, that's what I'll do.  Be grateful.
   And today I shall set my intentions.  I know they shall be achieved...without my doing!  Baby steps, Dee.  Release them to the universe and enjoy the ride!
   Enjoy your ride!  Let me know where it takes you as shall I.  What a great journey I'm on and how blessed to be able to share it with you!
   Aloha and Namaste...Dee

   For those interested in checking out my website, I did update most of it last night less the order forms, which might get done today.  But as I was updating I realized my binders were a mess and papers were stacked up everywhere and they needed to be organized...yadda, yadda, yadda...  My website is www.DeesignsByHarris.com.  Mahalo and enjoy!

Gung Hay Fat Choy

Good morning, aloha, g'day, and Jóusàhn,

   This last week I have been cleaning and scrubbing the house as I have finally found a new-found interest in my culture. As a Chinese girl born and raised in America my upbringing was mostly, well, American. I've learned and experienced bits and pieces of my heritage throughout the years but not until recently have I truly had a curiosity and desire to learn more.
   I remember in elementary school being teased about my nationality. This immediately made me feel different. I felt I stood out like a sore thumb in a mostly white school.  Mind you these kind of incidences happened very rarely throughout my life but I allowed them to affect the way I thought about myself. Today I am happy to say that I am comfortable in my own skin and proud to be who and what I am!  And I am glad these occurrences happened as they allow me to empathize with those who have been made to feel different and today I can emphasize to them how truly special and beautiful they really are.  Being a Chinese-American alcoholic woman in recovery really helps to guide me to this appreciation of acceptance and gratitude of worthiness.
   Chinese New Year 2014 is just around the corner, January 31st, and as you already know is celebrated all around the world. I have discovered many interesting and fun facts that I would like to share with you...

Chinese New Year is the most important and, at 15 days, the longest holiday in China. Chinese New Year begins on the first day of the lunar calendar, so it is also called Lunar New Year, and it is considered the beginning of spring, so it is also called Spring Festival. After ringing in the New Year on New Year's Eve, revelers spend the first day of the Chinese New Year doing a variety of activities.

Wear New Clothes:
Every member of the family starts the New Year off right with new clothes. From head to toe, all clothes and accessories worn on New Year’s Day should be brand new. Some families still wear traditional Chinese clothing like qipao but many families now wear regular, Western-style clothing like dresses, skirts, pants and shirts on Chinese New Year’s Day. Many opt to wear lucky red underwear.   ...can't wait to wear my lucky red underwear!  Graeme might like, too!

Worship Ancestors:
The first stop of the day is the temple to worship ancestors and welcome the New Year. Families bring offerings of food such has fruit, dates, and candied peanuts and burn sticks of incense and stacks of paper money.  ...this will be the first year I shall be doing this on my own and am as excited as hell to have all my ancestors laughing their heads off when they witness my attempt to worship them.

Give Red Envelopes:
Family and friends distribute 紅包, (hóngbāo, red envelopes) filled with money. Married couples give red envelopes to unmarried adults and kids. Children especially look forward to receiving red envelopes which are given in lieu of gifts.   ...as a kid I loved receiving lai see (lucky money in red paper) that we were required to spend on something fun!  I'm married now so I get to give out lucky money. How fun!

Play Mahjong:
Mahjong (麻將, má jiàng) is a fast-paced, four-player game played throughout the year but particularly during Chinese New Year. Learn all about mahjong and how to play.   ...I remember the "old" ladies playing mahjong when I was young.  I loved hearing the sound of the ivory tiles being "shuffled".  Mahjong is like gin rummy played with small tiles instead of playing cards.  Shall wear my mahjong earrings with my red panties on New Year's Day!

Launch Fireworks:
Starting at midnight New Year’s Eve and continuing throughout the day, fireworks of all shapes and sizes are lit and launched. The tradition began with the legend of Nian, a ferocious monster that was afraid of red and loud noises. It is believed the noisy fireworks scared the monster. Now, it is believed the more fireworks and noise there are, the more luck there will be in the New Year.   ...I saved a few fireworks from traditional New Years that I shall light and scare away Nian, the pigs, cows, mongoose, turkey and cats that live in the neighborhood.

Avoid Taboos:
There many superstitions surrounding Chinese New Year. The following activities are avoided by most Chinese on Chinese New Year’s Day:
Breaking dishes = bring bad luck
Getting rid of trash = sweeping away good fortune
Scolding children = signs of bad luck
Crying = signs of bad luck
Saying inauspicious words = signs of bad luck
Sweeping the floor = bring bad luck
Washing hair = bring bad luck

Chinese New Year may be a time for friends, family and fun, but is also a time for foreboding as the festival is riddled with superstitions.

1. Dirty Doings
Put your feet up and relax. Certainly the most enjoyable of the Chinese New Year superstitions, sweeping and cleaning is strictly forbidden. The Chinese believe cleaning means you'll sweep all of your good luck out the front door.   ...lovely to know that cleaning is forbidden. How cool is that?

2. Time to Come Clean
Before you can enjoy number two, you need to give the house a full spring clean, before putting cleaning tools in the cupboard on New Year's Eve.   It is believed the cleaning sweeps away the bad luck of the preceding year and makes their homes ready for good luck. Brooms and dust pans are put away on the first day so that the newly arrived good luck cannot be swept away.   ...this is where I came in...cleaning like a crazy person.  Keep it clean throughout the year, Dee, and not a big deal next year. Yeah, right.

3. Read Between the Lines
Be sure to stock up on reading materials before Chinese New Year, as Hong Kong's bookshops will be padlocked tight. In Cantonese, book is a homonym for 'lose'.   ...love these word "games" as I am a stickler for anything words.  Put some culture and superstition in there and I'm in heaven!

4. Choppy Waters
Make sure you avoid rough seas in the new year by not buying shoes over the holiday period. In Cantonese, shoes are a homonym for 'rough'.   ...shall wear my old slippahs.

5. Balance the Books
If you're in debt, it's time to dip into your pockets and pay people off. The Chinese believe that if you start the new year in the red, you'll finish it the same way.   ...okay, Mom, you're getting paid!

6. Ghostly Conversations
Caught round a campfire over the holiday period? No ghost stories. Tales of death, dying and ghosts is considered supremely inauspicious, especially during Chinese New Year.   ...as a lover of guts and gore, I shall have to work hard on this one.  My sick sense of humor pops up constantly.

7. Lady in Red
Chinese New Year is packed with colors, and while all the colors of the rainbow bring good luck, it's the color red that is considered the ultimate luck bringer.   ...tie-dye t-shirt, red panties, and mahjong earrings. Run, Graeme!

8. Sweet Year
Hong Kongers have a sweet touch at the best of times, but Chinese New Year offers the perfect chance to raid the sweet shop, as eating candies is said to deliver a sweeter year.  ...just as well See's Candies not on this island.

9. Feel the Breeze
Welcome in the New Year with a blast of fresh air, opening your windows is said to let in good luck.   ...no better place to have doors and windows open in January than Hawaii.

10. Get to the Point
Sharp objects are said to be harbingers of bad luck, as their sharp points cut out your good luck, pack them away.  You should also avoid the hairdressers or you'll have your good luck chopped off.   ...so cut your nails and hair, prep your food, shave your pits all before the New Year.

Purchasing new clothing and shoes also symbolize a new start. Any hair cuts need to be completed before the New Year, as cutting hair on New Year is considered bad luck due to the homonymic nature of the word "hair" (fa) and the word for "prosperity".

Given the importance of food in Chinese culture, it is not surprising that food plays a major role in Chinese New Year celebrations. "Lucky" foods are served through the two week Chinese New Year celebration, also called the Spring festival.

Symbolic Chinese Foods

What gives a certain food symbolic significance? Sometimes it is based on appearance. For example, serving a whole chicken during the Chinese New Year season symbolizes family togetherness. Noodles represent a long life; an old superstition says that it's bad luck to cut them. Both clams and Spring Rolls symbolize wealth; clams because of their resemblance to bouillon, and Spring Rolls because their shape is similar to gold bars.  ...Auntie says whole chicken means whole chicken, feet, head and beak included.  Need to open beak during prayer to ancestors so they can eat too and show that they've eaten. All righty, then.

On the other hand, a food may have special significance during Chinese New Year because of the way the Chinese word for it sounds. For example, the Cantonese word for lettuce sounds like rising fortune, so it is very common to serve a lettuce wrap filled with other lucky food. Tangerines and oranges are passed out freely during Chinese New Year as the words for tangerine and orange sound like luck and wealth, respectively. And let's not forget pomelos. This large ancestor of the grapefruit signifies abundance, as the Chinese word for pomelo sounds like the word for "to have."  ...When visiting we always brought tangerines and oranges, preferably leaves attached, in a brown paper bag to give to our hosts...and vice versa. Also placed lai see in the bag for additional good luck.

Fish also play a large role in festive celebrations. The word for fish, "Yu," sounds like the words both for wish and abundance. As a result, on New Year's Eve it is customary to serve a fish at the end of the evening meal, symbolizing a wish for abundance in the coming year. For added symbolism, the fish is served whole, with head and tail attached, symbolizing a good beginning and ending for the coming year.  ...lots of good fresh yu in Hawaii!

And what about the sweet, steamed cakes that are so popular during the Chinese New Year season? Cakes such as Sticky Rice Cake have symbolic significance on many levels. Their sweetness symbolizes a rich, sweet life, while the layers symbolize rising abundance for the coming year. Finally, the round shape signifies family reunion.  ...Shall have to find a recipe for Sticky Rice Cake.  So much to remember to end this year and start the New year off properly.

   I am so stoked to be doing all this and learning so much. Last year was awesome and I didn't do any of the above. If it ain't broke, don't fix it?  Nah...I am so looking forward to what this new year has in store for me, and I'm going out with a bang, and coming in gangbusters!

   Gung Hay Fat Choy to you all!  Have a mighty fine day...Aloha, Dee

P.S.  For those interested in Chinese New Year gifts, I have enclosed some beautiful lai see papers in glass on which I have attached beads. Check them out on my website at www.DeesignsByHarris.com. Mahalo!

Living Passion

LIVING PASSION

   Just completed a meditation. Haven't given myself that special time for a few weeks now. I find I reap most from meditating along with The Daily Mentors Channel. Such wonderful guidance really sets those meditational juices a-flowing, be that as redundant as it may.  Today I share with you some of the message that touched me.  Today's theme...I live my life with passion and enthusiasm.
   We all want to live with more enthusiasm and passion.  Being excited about what we do everyday and sharing our gifts with the world...that's how we cultivate joy, and energy.   Passion is energy.  It's the power that comes from focusing on what excites you.
   We each have a calling and that calling is as unique as a fingerprint.  And that calling is what leads you to your passion. Discover what ignites your passion. Let it light you up.  And then find a way to share that.  Honor your calling, your life's true purpose, and this way you will find happiness, and success.
   Yes, everyone has a special purpose in life.  We each possess a unique talent with a unique way of expressing it.  For every unique talent and expression of that gift there also comes unique needs. Unique needs are just waiting for us to fulfill them. When we offer our special purpose and service to others we experience our true spirit by asking ourselves "How can I help?  How can I be of service using my unique talents?"  Then we are able to move beyond the ego and into the realm of true spirit. Connecting with our purpose we live our lives with passion and great enthusiasm.
   A life lived with passion brings with it many benefits:  a brain that builds new pathways towards better habits; a mind that remains active and sharp; and relationships that remain rich and deeply rewarding.
   Wow, I think I am on my way to all of the above. What an exciting journey!  Firstly, now that I have started my own business with art and stained glass, my true artistic passion, I am so excited to wake up everyday and go to work!  How cool is that?  My artwork is categorized into two themes:  Gifts in Recovery and Hawai'i Art.   My gratitude for this passion and this business, and this life, is printed on my business cards, "My greatest gift in recovery is sharing it with you!"  Thus, I am cultivating joy and energy in my own life!
   Yes, my calling is as unique as a fingerprint, yet the same as so many of my brothers and sisters in recovery. We share our experiences, strengths and hopes with each other each and everyday. We find value having lived our lives in and with our addictions, then finding an easier, softer way with which to live.  We find strength and gratitude from sharing this easier, softer way, and offer hope to those still struggling.
   My recovery is my calling.  It has reignited a passion in me for my artwork. With my artwork I share my recovery by creating pieces that represent recovery and hope and optimism and gratitude. Recovery has also awarded me the gift of living in Hawai'i with all it's beauty and splendor, aloha and spirit. I strive to share this in my art as well.  Honor my calling and I shall find happiness and success. There is no doubt in my mind, nor my heart.
   We each have a unique way of expressing our unique talents. Mine is through my art, and my writing.  I have faith that with each and every writing a ray of hope will alight in one person that gives hope, a pinhole of excitement, even perhaps a pinch of optimism.
   So this last year I have learned to move beyond my ego. I started to write a blog. In all honesty it started as a business decision. A recommendation to promote my business. But it has become so much more than that. It has become an avenue for me to heal, and show gratitude, and offer hope. I so was uncomfortable that each and every blog contained the title of my first blog "When I Grow Up I Want to Be an Alcoholic...and an Artist".  It kept popping up for months on Facebook each and every time I posted a new blog.  Kept feeling that yucky feeling of uncomfortableness.  Finally figured out how to remove it, but not before about twenty blogs with this title, and confession, popping up in bold caps.  You know, there's a reason this popped up repeatedly over the months. Eye catching, eh, and hopefully to someone battling with addictions.  Yep, I have to move beyond my ego to carry the message.  I have to accept that substance abuse is a disease, not a self-control "loser" dilemma. With that I am moving onto the realm of my true spirit.
   Indeed, I am on my way to living passion. This new year for me brings me much excitement and enthusiasm as last year held such a heart- and mind-opening journey. And I can only feel this year offering more of the same!
   I truly hope you are on your journey of passion. Have a mighty fine day!  With much Aloha...Dee.
   For those interested in visiting my passion in art, please go to www.DeesignsByHarris.com. I encourage feedback regarding both my artwork and my blog!  Mahalo, Dee.

Today I Am Open to the Presence of Miracles

Today I Am Open to the Presence of Miracles

   Somewhere back a few months ago I heard “be mindful”.  I am so not mindful most of the time unless I make a conscious effort to be so.  Although I practice simplicity, calmness, balance and centeredness in my life, I still find my mind going off here and there and in every direction.  I am so not mindful when I am driving, when I am having a conversation, of my surroundings, its beauty, nor the birds chirping.

   If I am not mindful I am sure to miss the presence of miracles.  Miracles are extremely rare and extraordinary events that defies the laws of nature, acts of God, divine interventions.  Do I want to miss these because I am not paying attention? not being mindful?  

   Miracles only seem extraordinary because I am not paying attention in my life.  They happen every day and when I start to pay attention I begin to notice them.  If I am mindful I can allow miracles to transform my life into a dazzling experience.

   My goal today is to be present, to be mindful, to experience the miracles.  I do not make a practice of making New Year’s resolutions but being mindful is something I shall strive for this new year.  With that comes getting on my motorcycle, mindful, and practice, practice, practice until its operation becomes second nature…and fun.  That for me shall be considered a miracle.  Yes, I shall be mindful when operating a vehicle and machinery as today I very much value my life, and yours.

   I shall strive to give full attention to you when you speak to me.  You deserve it.  It is respectful.  I shall look into your eyes.  Our eyes say so much about us.  They tell us what is in our hearts that sometimes our words cannot express.  Yes, I shall be mindful of your words and your eyes.

   I shall be mindful of my surroundings.  I shall use all of my senses to do so.  Nothing more wonderful than feeling the breeze which I believe is God wrapping His arms around me.  Or the sounds of chirping birds which is my grandpa in Heaven singing happily and freely.  Or that ant struggling to carry that crumb back to the army which reminds me about service and dedication and unity.  I shall see the clouds carrying away all my troubles.  I shall stop and smell the plumeria in all its glory.  And I shall taste life in a way never before experienced, in a mindful way, in a being-in-the-moment way.

   And with that I shall hopefully experience miracles I otherwise would have missed.  Slow down, Dee.  I’ll get there when I’m supposed to.  Enjoy the journey.

   Have a wonderful New Year.  Yes, enjoy the journey.  And have a mighty fine day!  With much aloha…Dee

For those interested in viewing my web-based business, please visit my site at www.DeesignsByHarris.com for Gifts in Recovery and Hawai'i Art.  Mahalo!

A Power Greater than Myself

   

   Before realizing that I am an alcoholic I had simple spirituality in my life. As a child we didn't go to church nor speak much of religion but I knew Mom had a belief in God. Once I bottomed out which meant for me I no longer had a choice in whether or not I wanted a drink, but HAD to drink, for a very long time, I prayed to my dad who died of this disease and begged for his help. He came through!  He brought me to a treatment center via numerous guardian angels and introduced me to A.A.
   Once in the meeting rooms and reading the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I felt I was doomed, as Step 3 said "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."  Oh oh.  Now what?  I learned there in treatment that I could make up my own Higher Power, call it/Him God if I chose. I could chose a doorknob, or a rock, or the group. So in the interim I chose the neon sign outside my window of the Circus Circus clown face.  Bright. Warm. Happy.  So while there he filled my needs as I gave Him my will and my life.
   Many years have passed and my Higher Power has developed into one omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent Being. Very spiritual and even religious. Very comforting and loving. Very patient and leading. I am so grateful for the higher power of my understanding and couldn't imagine doing life without Him!
   Life is easier today. I have contentment and fullness. I have purpose. All of which I had none of before getting sober.
   With that I shall share with you two of my writings I found after relapsing after over 13 years of sobriety...
   In A.A. We have prayers that help guide us through the course of our days, our lives. This first writing is about our Seventh Step Prayer,

Seventh Step Prayer

My Creator,  I am now willing that you should have all of me, good & bad.  I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you & my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do Your bidding.

10 Days Ago

  I am now willing for you to have all of me, good and bad...
  Today is day 10.  10 days since my first oral surgery.  5 days since opening up the stitches which I ripped open and redoing the stitches.  10 days without pain pills. 10 days of pain. Good and bad.
   I have extreme bone loss, bone deterioration, on the upper part of my mouth. Not sure exactly why. Have some ideas, but does it REALLY matter?  I have it. Kind of like being an alcoholic. Not exactly sure why. Have some ideas, but does it REALLY matter?  I have it. Good and bad.
  You know. I can ask the doc for pain pills. But, you see, I got clean and sober in 1998 and stayed that way over 13 years. Relapse #1  came from removing myself from my recovery. Not giving back what was so freely given to me. I picked up in a pinhole of weakness.
  Got myself back into my recovery. Relapses #2 and 3 came from getting giddy and excited and crazy and stupid about pain pills during dentist visits. You know, when the pain subsides, I should flush the remaining pills. But I like them. Not only did they numb the pain, they gave me energy and motivation to get things done.  Taking pain pills for reasons other than pain is a relapse. So be it.  Good and bad.
  Relapse on pain pills is relapse. Already blew sobriety date so why not drink?  These relapses went on for a few weeks. Kept going to meetings wishing that through osmosis the f***ing obsession which took over my every thought and my entire life would be lifted.  Eventually it was only because I was taught to be rigorously honest and to hit my knees harder.
  I have 47 days clean and sober today. Last relapse came from eating something in which  I was unaware contained alcohol. Set off the disease, the Devil, in my brain. Drank. 3 swigs.  Okay. A slip.
  So I told myself last night in writhing pain in my mouth and in my stomach from taking so many Tylenols and Advils last 10 days that I would ask doc today for non-narcotic pain med if I woke up still in pain. Yup. Still have pain. Nope. Not gonna call. I've endured this for 10 days now and not sure how even a non-narcotic will affect that part of my brain different from the "normies" that says "USE"!
  One day at a time. Good and bad. Today I GET to feel pain. Today I GET to write about it with clarity. Today I GET to share it with those who do and don't have this disease.
Good and bad.

3 Weeks Ago

   Dear God, I'm remembering 3 weeks ago when you were here for me but I wasn't here for you. It was still about Dee, the warm fuzzy feeling, the high, the escape, the rush...the selfishness. I do not wish to close the door on 3 weeks ago, but to use those memories, those thoughts, those feelings to better do Thy Will TODAY. Thank you for waiting patiently for me, for your protection and your path. May I do Thy Will ALWAYS. Amen.

   Today I have 209 days of sobriety.  I don't want to go back to the obsession. Today I don't have to. Today my life is good. I am calm. I am centered. I am positive and optimistic. That would all be taken away if I took just one swig! if I took one pill for reasons other than its intention.
   Today I can be rigorously honest with you, with strangers, and with myself. It still feels a little weird that I broadcast that I am an alcoholic on public media. This too shall pass, as I feel I have a message to share. A message of hope. For there are millions of us out there that have some kind of obsession.  With fellowship and faith in a power greater than yourself, a God of your understanding, yes, this too shall pass. Your life can be meaningful and purposeful.  You can share your experience, strength and hope with someone still suffering from obsessions.
   Thank God today I have peace and serenity.

For those on da Big Island I still have gifts for Christmas, emphasizing recovery and life on da islands.  Visit my website at DeesignsByHarris.com to shop.  Aloha.

   Merry Christmas to you all!  Have a mighty fine day!  Aloha from Dee.

KEEP BALANCED

Keep Balanced

  It is easy to get overcommitted, burned out, bummed out, worn out, and stressed out if you are trying to keep up with too many commitments. It is out of balance to try to do everything. If you are happy doing what you do, keep doing it.  But if it wears you out and robs you of peace, don't do it. What sense does it make to commit to something, and then murmur and complain about it while you're doing it?

  Being overcommitted will frustrate you. Anxiety is usually a sign that God never told you to do what you are doing in the first place. To avoid frustration in your life, keep in balance.  

  These paragraphs were written by Joyce Meyer in "Starting Your Day Right" in her Devotions book.

   A perfect message for me to hear after these last couple of trying weeks.  Trying…not in a bad way.  Just in a way in which I am not accustomed.  Busy weeks.  Holiday weeks.

   Business-wise, I really have no clue in which direction to take my new business.  Having already learned so much with my business since retiring from Safeway, all I know is it’s holiday time and that means the time to make money.  But where do I concentrate my efforts?  

   Well I put it out there, to the universe and my Higher Power, and everybody.  Sit back and enjoy the ride, Dee.  I’ve made sales, got custom orders, did a crafts fair.  Doesn’t seem like enough for me, but for my first holiday season, I’m happy.

   Physically, my body told me something’s awry.  Perhaps it started at Thanksgiving.  The fact that we were invited to four Thanksgiving gatherings set me off-balance straight away.  But I chose to attend each gathering so that I may enjoy the company of people special to me…and yes, I chose to eat at three of the four gatherings.  I always know when I eat too much when my stomach is so full that my back hurts.

   Day after Thanksgiving comes a two-day crafts fair.  Physically trying as I no like doing crafts fairs.  I like creating art, not selling it.  Get real, Dee.  Can’t have one without the other and have a successful business.

   Start getting sore throat at crafts fair.  Oh oh.  Family is flying in Monday afternoon.  Netty pot, citrus, ZiCam…  But house is messy and Christmas decorations aren’t up.  Might as well wrap presents while putting up the decorations for Granny to enjoy.  Wait.  Haven’t ordered Christmas cards yet.  Or written the Harris annual letter that goes with the cards.

   Feeling shitty but continue on with projects.  All the while doing business on the side.  Auntie calls.  She won’t be making it Monday afternoon after all.  They’ll be here late Tuesday.  Ahhh.  Bummer.  But get to rest a bit before they arrive.

   Spiritually, haven’t meditated or taken any Dee time since “I can’t remember when”.  Continued attending meetings which helped get centered until the family arrived.  Once they were here, chose to spend every minute with them.  Stupid, in retrospect.  Why can’t I pull myself away from Grandma for an hour to recenter?  I’d be better off, as would she and the rest of the world, to remember who and what I am.

   So I am really out of balance now.  My family is here and we’re enjoying each other’s company and love.  My granny gets my sickness, as does our other guest, Pat.  Really, Dee.  What choice did I have but to go to a hotel?  Too late.

   I continue trudging my path to happy destiny.  I’m getting better as are they.  Not a lot of busyness nor chaos during their stay.  Wonderful, as a matter of fact.  Lots of eating and bonding.  All the while getting some business in on the side.

   Mentally, I thought I was okay.  Which is why I’m sharing this “Keep Balanced” blog.  While family was here we discussed “giving”.  I’m a giver.  Don’t know when to say “no”.  Even when saying “yes” knocks me clear out of balance to the other side of the galaxy.  I rationalize and tell myself it’s the “aloha way” which is what I love so much about living in Hawaii.  It gives my heart joy and sends it soaring like an eagle.  What goes around, comes around.  Stop it, Dee, before I puke.  

   So we discuss the negatives and the positives about being there for others.  We discuss the line between when I’m being helpful and when I’m being used.  I believe this is a work in progress for me.  This is part of my Fourth Step and my inventory and working on my character defects.  This is also about taking everything I’ve learned in A.A. and applying it to my life.  Progress, not perfection.  I’ve learned to put puzzling and troubling situations in my God Box, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

   So this is where I am today.  Enjoying the ride.  My family has since returned to the Mainland.  Auntie and I had words via text which were uncomfortable for me regarding “giving”.  I needed to write this to take the power out of the words and hand them over to my Higher Power and have faith that I am a human being trying to do the best I can and everything is happening for a reason and I shall be okay.  Today my goal is keeping balanced.  Prioritizing.  Staying out of HALT…hungry, angry, lonely, tired.  With that, I shall be able to walk the tightrope called life…balanced!

   Have a mighty fine day.  Thank you for being here for me.  Merry Christmas!

   For those interested in Christmas gifts, I have a website at www.DeesignsByHarris.com with Gifts in Recovery and Hawai’i Art.  Not too late for Christmas!  No stress!