Today I Am Open to the Presence of Miracles

Today I Am Open to the Presence of Miracles

   Somewhere back a few months ago I heard “be mindful”.  I am so not mindful most of the time unless I make a conscious effort to be so.  Although I practice simplicity, calmness, balance and centeredness in my life, I still find my mind going off here and there and in every direction.  I am so not mindful when I am driving, when I am having a conversation, of my surroundings, its beauty, nor the birds chirping.

   If I am not mindful I am sure to miss the presence of miracles.  Miracles are extremely rare and extraordinary events that defies the laws of nature, acts of God, divine interventions.  Do I want to miss these because I am not paying attention? not being mindful?  

   Miracles only seem extraordinary because I am not paying attention in my life.  They happen every day and when I start to pay attention I begin to notice them.  If I am mindful I can allow miracles to transform my life into a dazzling experience.

   My goal today is to be present, to be mindful, to experience the miracles.  I do not make a practice of making New Year’s resolutions but being mindful is something I shall strive for this new year.  With that comes getting on my motorcycle, mindful, and practice, practice, practice until its operation becomes second nature…and fun.  That for me shall be considered a miracle.  Yes, I shall be mindful when operating a vehicle and machinery as today I very much value my life, and yours.

   I shall strive to give full attention to you when you speak to me.  You deserve it.  It is respectful.  I shall look into your eyes.  Our eyes say so much about us.  They tell us what is in our hearts that sometimes our words cannot express.  Yes, I shall be mindful of your words and your eyes.

   I shall be mindful of my surroundings.  I shall use all of my senses to do so.  Nothing more wonderful than feeling the breeze which I believe is God wrapping His arms around me.  Or the sounds of chirping birds which is my grandpa in Heaven singing happily and freely.  Or that ant struggling to carry that crumb back to the army which reminds me about service and dedication and unity.  I shall see the clouds carrying away all my troubles.  I shall stop and smell the plumeria in all its glory.  And I shall taste life in a way never before experienced, in a mindful way, in a being-in-the-moment way.

   And with that I shall hopefully experience miracles I otherwise would have missed.  Slow down, Dee.  I’ll get there when I’m supposed to.  Enjoy the journey.

   Have a wonderful New Year.  Yes, enjoy the journey.  And have a mighty fine day!  With much aloha…Dee

For those interested in viewing my web-based business, please visit my site at www.DeesignsByHarris.com for Gifts in Recovery and Hawai'i Art.  Mahalo!

A Power Greater than Myself

   

   Before realizing that I am an alcoholic I had simple spirituality in my life. As a child we didn't go to church nor speak much of religion but I knew Mom had a belief in God. Once I bottomed out which meant for me I no longer had a choice in whether or not I wanted a drink, but HAD to drink, for a very long time, I prayed to my dad who died of this disease and begged for his help. He came through!  He brought me to a treatment center via numerous guardian angels and introduced me to A.A.
   Once in the meeting rooms and reading the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I felt I was doomed, as Step 3 said "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."  Oh oh.  Now what?  I learned there in treatment that I could make up my own Higher Power, call it/Him God if I chose. I could chose a doorknob, or a rock, or the group. So in the interim I chose the neon sign outside my window of the Circus Circus clown face.  Bright. Warm. Happy.  So while there he filled my needs as I gave Him my will and my life.
   Many years have passed and my Higher Power has developed into one omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent Being. Very spiritual and even religious. Very comforting and loving. Very patient and leading. I am so grateful for the higher power of my understanding and couldn't imagine doing life without Him!
   Life is easier today. I have contentment and fullness. I have purpose. All of which I had none of before getting sober.
   With that I shall share with you two of my writings I found after relapsing after over 13 years of sobriety...
   In A.A. We have prayers that help guide us through the course of our days, our lives. This first writing is about our Seventh Step Prayer,

Seventh Step Prayer

My Creator,  I am now willing that you should have all of me, good & bad.  I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you & my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do Your bidding.

10 Days Ago

  I am now willing for you to have all of me, good and bad...
  Today is day 10.  10 days since my first oral surgery.  5 days since opening up the stitches which I ripped open and redoing the stitches.  10 days without pain pills. 10 days of pain. Good and bad.
   I have extreme bone loss, bone deterioration, on the upper part of my mouth. Not sure exactly why. Have some ideas, but does it REALLY matter?  I have it. Kind of like being an alcoholic. Not exactly sure why. Have some ideas, but does it REALLY matter?  I have it. Good and bad.
  You know. I can ask the doc for pain pills. But, you see, I got clean and sober in 1998 and stayed that way over 13 years. Relapse #1  came from removing myself from my recovery. Not giving back what was so freely given to me. I picked up in a pinhole of weakness.
  Got myself back into my recovery. Relapses #2 and 3 came from getting giddy and excited and crazy and stupid about pain pills during dentist visits. You know, when the pain subsides, I should flush the remaining pills. But I like them. Not only did they numb the pain, they gave me energy and motivation to get things done.  Taking pain pills for reasons other than pain is a relapse. So be it.  Good and bad.
  Relapse on pain pills is relapse. Already blew sobriety date so why not drink?  These relapses went on for a few weeks. Kept going to meetings wishing that through osmosis the f***ing obsession which took over my every thought and my entire life would be lifted.  Eventually it was only because I was taught to be rigorously honest and to hit my knees harder.
  I have 47 days clean and sober today. Last relapse came from eating something in which  I was unaware contained alcohol. Set off the disease, the Devil, in my brain. Drank. 3 swigs.  Okay. A slip.
  So I told myself last night in writhing pain in my mouth and in my stomach from taking so many Tylenols and Advils last 10 days that I would ask doc today for non-narcotic pain med if I woke up still in pain. Yup. Still have pain. Nope. Not gonna call. I've endured this for 10 days now and not sure how even a non-narcotic will affect that part of my brain different from the "normies" that says "USE"!
  One day at a time. Good and bad. Today I GET to feel pain. Today I GET to write about it with clarity. Today I GET to share it with those who do and don't have this disease.
Good and bad.

3 Weeks Ago

   Dear God, I'm remembering 3 weeks ago when you were here for me but I wasn't here for you. It was still about Dee, the warm fuzzy feeling, the high, the escape, the rush...the selfishness. I do not wish to close the door on 3 weeks ago, but to use those memories, those thoughts, those feelings to better do Thy Will TODAY. Thank you for waiting patiently for me, for your protection and your path. May I do Thy Will ALWAYS. Amen.

   Today I have 209 days of sobriety.  I don't want to go back to the obsession. Today I don't have to. Today my life is good. I am calm. I am centered. I am positive and optimistic. That would all be taken away if I took just one swig! if I took one pill for reasons other than its intention.
   Today I can be rigorously honest with you, with strangers, and with myself. It still feels a little weird that I broadcast that I am an alcoholic on public media. This too shall pass, as I feel I have a message to share. A message of hope. For there are millions of us out there that have some kind of obsession.  With fellowship and faith in a power greater than yourself, a God of your understanding, yes, this too shall pass. Your life can be meaningful and purposeful.  You can share your experience, strength and hope with someone still suffering from obsessions.
   Thank God today I have peace and serenity.

For those on da Big Island I still have gifts for Christmas, emphasizing recovery and life on da islands.  Visit my website at DeesignsByHarris.com to shop.  Aloha.

   Merry Christmas to you all!  Have a mighty fine day!  Aloha from Dee.

KEEP BALANCED

Keep Balanced

  It is easy to get overcommitted, burned out, bummed out, worn out, and stressed out if you are trying to keep up with too many commitments. It is out of balance to try to do everything. If you are happy doing what you do, keep doing it.  But if it wears you out and robs you of peace, don't do it. What sense does it make to commit to something, and then murmur and complain about it while you're doing it?

  Being overcommitted will frustrate you. Anxiety is usually a sign that God never told you to do what you are doing in the first place. To avoid frustration in your life, keep in balance.  

  These paragraphs were written by Joyce Meyer in "Starting Your Day Right" in her Devotions book.

   A perfect message for me to hear after these last couple of trying weeks.  Trying…not in a bad way.  Just in a way in which I am not accustomed.  Busy weeks.  Holiday weeks.

   Business-wise, I really have no clue in which direction to take my new business.  Having already learned so much with my business since retiring from Safeway, all I know is it’s holiday time and that means the time to make money.  But where do I concentrate my efforts?  

   Well I put it out there, to the universe and my Higher Power, and everybody.  Sit back and enjoy the ride, Dee.  I’ve made sales, got custom orders, did a crafts fair.  Doesn’t seem like enough for me, but for my first holiday season, I’m happy.

   Physically, my body told me something’s awry.  Perhaps it started at Thanksgiving.  The fact that we were invited to four Thanksgiving gatherings set me off-balance straight away.  But I chose to attend each gathering so that I may enjoy the company of people special to me…and yes, I chose to eat at three of the four gatherings.  I always know when I eat too much when my stomach is so full that my back hurts.

   Day after Thanksgiving comes a two-day crafts fair.  Physically trying as I no like doing crafts fairs.  I like creating art, not selling it.  Get real, Dee.  Can’t have one without the other and have a successful business.

   Start getting sore throat at crafts fair.  Oh oh.  Family is flying in Monday afternoon.  Netty pot, citrus, ZiCam…  But house is messy and Christmas decorations aren’t up.  Might as well wrap presents while putting up the decorations for Granny to enjoy.  Wait.  Haven’t ordered Christmas cards yet.  Or written the Harris annual letter that goes with the cards.

   Feeling shitty but continue on with projects.  All the while doing business on the side.  Auntie calls.  She won’t be making it Monday afternoon after all.  They’ll be here late Tuesday.  Ahhh.  Bummer.  But get to rest a bit before they arrive.

   Spiritually, haven’t meditated or taken any Dee time since “I can’t remember when”.  Continued attending meetings which helped get centered until the family arrived.  Once they were here, chose to spend every minute with them.  Stupid, in retrospect.  Why can’t I pull myself away from Grandma for an hour to recenter?  I’d be better off, as would she and the rest of the world, to remember who and what I am.

   So I am really out of balance now.  My family is here and we’re enjoying each other’s company and love.  My granny gets my sickness, as does our other guest, Pat.  Really, Dee.  What choice did I have but to go to a hotel?  Too late.

   I continue trudging my path to happy destiny.  I’m getting better as are they.  Not a lot of busyness nor chaos during their stay.  Wonderful, as a matter of fact.  Lots of eating and bonding.  All the while getting some business in on the side.

   Mentally, I thought I was okay.  Which is why I’m sharing this “Keep Balanced” blog.  While family was here we discussed “giving”.  I’m a giver.  Don’t know when to say “no”.  Even when saying “yes” knocks me clear out of balance to the other side of the galaxy.  I rationalize and tell myself it’s the “aloha way” which is what I love so much about living in Hawaii.  It gives my heart joy and sends it soaring like an eagle.  What goes around, comes around.  Stop it, Dee, before I puke.  

   So we discuss the negatives and the positives about being there for others.  We discuss the line between when I’m being helpful and when I’m being used.  I believe this is a work in progress for me.  This is part of my Fourth Step and my inventory and working on my character defects.  This is also about taking everything I’ve learned in A.A. and applying it to my life.  Progress, not perfection.  I’ve learned to put puzzling and troubling situations in my God Box, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

   So this is where I am today.  Enjoying the ride.  My family has since returned to the Mainland.  Auntie and I had words via text which were uncomfortable for me regarding “giving”.  I needed to write this to take the power out of the words and hand them over to my Higher Power and have faith that I am a human being trying to do the best I can and everything is happening for a reason and I shall be okay.  Today my goal is keeping balanced.  Prioritizing.  Staying out of HALT…hungry, angry, lonely, tired.  With that, I shall be able to walk the tightrope called life…balanced!

   Have a mighty fine day.  Thank you for being here for me.  Merry Christmas!

   For those interested in Christmas gifts, I have a website at www.DeesignsByHarris.com with Gifts in Recovery and Hawai’i Art.  Not too late for Christmas!  No stress! 

LIFE PARTNERS

Life Partners

   What is a life partner?  The bond between two people who commit to being in a relationship with each other for a lifetime. Who want to focus on the profound love that comes from committing mind, body and soul to another. Such a bond requires allowing the other person to be, because deep sacred love comes directly from the soul which wants nothing but to give. When we give freely and are open to receiving, when we share our love of the world, we form a partnership that stands the test of time 

   I absolutely love today's meditation on the Mentors Channel with Louie Schwartzberg!  Because it is a reminder of  how complete I finally feel in my life, how grateful I am, how content and full I am!  I finally have my life partner back in my life after a whole marriage of being apart. 

   30 years ago when Graeme and I got together I was deep in my disease of substance abuse. We had two children, house, cars, jobs, the whole nine yards. But I was not grateful, content nor full. I was empty and in a deep dark void. I would often wonder "Is this it?  I don't get it?  There's got to be more to life because those around me seem happy and purposeful. I just don't get it".  

   Graeme and the boys lived half our marriage with "that person".  I functioned. I worked. I did domestic and extracurricular things. As a closet drinker I put on a good front for you in the real world, but behind closed doors my family had to live with and tolerate "that person".

   Long story short I finally reached my bottom. And with the help of my dad up in heaven and a power greater than myself I was rescued. I was given a second chance.  But the life partner relationship was still not strong nor valued. 

   As Graeme was gone way more than he was home as a truck driver the kids and I continued to function as the all-American family. But I knew that all was not peachy. I yearned for completeness. I still had that void. Then the kids grew up and went away to college. Empty nest syndrome?  Perhaps, but I don't think so. I was used to the ski-racer kids being away for long periods at a time. But when I knew they weren't coming home and Graeme would "visit" two or three days a month, something started to wear on me. 

   It was the quality of our relationship. For me it was not good. Of course the lack of quantity did not help so that when Graeme came home for a "visit" he would be all stressed out trying to do this, that, and the other before he quickly had to get back out on the road. Because I do not do stress well I oftentimes was relieved when he left. Sad. 

   After a few years of that and telling myself that all was good as the resentments of shoveling snow from one pile to the other to make room for the snow that had to come off the roof but keep the driveway clear, yadda, yadda, yadda, Hawai'i and the honu called me to come home. The bear at Tahoe told me that my cycle there was complete. 

   I am now home in Hawai'i. Hmmmm.  Still something awry. I have a higher power telling me to be grateful, that I am right where I need to be. But something still lacking and I feel that void. After a year and a half in Hawai'i seeing Graeme even less now than in Tahoe, the best Christmas present ever!  He sold the truck and is coming home!  

   Be careful what you wish for as we have never had a husband and wife relationship sober and sans kids. What if we can't live together?  What if we hate each other?  What if our lives really go to shit?  I have learned to live one day at a time, in gratitude, and if that's the way it's supposed to be, so be it. 

   Almost two years we have been together, finally, and my life has never been better. My void is gone. I have someone with whom to talk story everyday. To share the daily trivia that is my life. I have someone to cook for and eat with. I have someone with whom to go to the grocery store (missed that the most while working as a grocery checker).  I have someone to cry with and laugh with. My life is full.  I am content. 

   Please allow me to share what I have learned from this morning's meditation. Insight for today:  Remember to thank your beloved for being who they are, for allowing you to be who you are, and for being willing to travel on this journey of life with you.  Thought for today:  I am grateful for the gift of unconditional love my life partner and I happily share. 

    Nourishing your relationship creates a strong foundation on which to build a life. A relationship such as this is a sacred blessing for which we should be grateful. I am so very grateful!

   With that I shall leave you until next week. Have a mighty fine day and try to be grateful for all that surrounds you. Aloha, Dee.

   For those interested in viewing my Gifts in Recovery and Hawai'i Art, please visit my website at www.DeesignsByHarris.com. Mahalo.

   

Share the Magic

  

 A couple of weekends ago I had the privilege of attending the 52nd Annual Hawaii Convention in Honolulu.  What a weekend of blessings sharing experience, strength, and hope with the most genuine folks I have ever met!  Being born and raised in California in a city with the highest crime rate per capita in the nation, I quickly learned to not talk to strangers and to not trust them. Back in '98 in a treatment center I was introduced to a fellowship that made me feel I was accepted for who I am and genuinely felt nothing was wanted from me except my well-being. With that my gift to them was that I helped to keep them sober yet one more day as they helped me to do the same.
   This weekend I was surrounded by thousands of genuine human beings in recovery. Most of them strangers, yet we had something in common. We were all recovering from the disease of alcoholism and we were all united to share our gift of recovery.  We laughed together, we cried together, we talked story, we shared inspiration. It was magical!
   That doesn't mean there are no bad apples in our fellowship. There are bad apples in every barrel. However, I am finding that most of the apples I've met in the fellowship, as well as in Hawaii, are quality. I am learning that most of the people I encounter are not the ones that inundate our news. We still have a really good human race, in our fellowship, in Hawaii, in our country, and on our planet.
   Yes, the times they are a-changing, but the values that were instilled in me as a child I am trying to instill in our youth.  And so are all of you. We're gonna be all right.  If we don't give up. If we still live with hope and optimism and respect. My faith in humanity is being restored one day at a time, as is my sanity and serenity. Don't jump ship before the miracle.
   This Thanksgiving week has been one of craziness and busyness and wonder fullness. Trying to create a new successful business is one of trials and tribulations.  Holiday time is crunch time.  Not knowing which way to turn nor concentrate my efforts, I've learned to set my goals, give them to the universe, and enjoy the ride. Well, it works. I was able to do what I could and what I was meant to do, and have a successful week in business. To top it off, I was invited to four Thanksgiving gatherings, attended them all, and ate until my stomach was so full that my back hurt. Sad. But the most wonderful part of all was spending time with those who mean so much to me, again, talking story, sharing inspiration, and sharing magic.
   That magic is love. And true friendship. I am so blessed to have so much. For that I am forever grateful. For that I shall share my blessings.
    Aloha, my friends. Share the magic. Until next week, have a mighty fine day!  Dee.

For those interested in great holiday gifts please visit my website at www.DeesignsByHarris.com!  Enjoy and mahalo!

LETTING GO

When I Let Go of What I Am, I Become What I Might Be

---Tao Te Ching

   As I enjoy today's meditation from 21 Days of Gratitude from MentorsChannel.com, so much has been brought to mind about the past two months since I retired from Safeway to pursue my passion in art and create a new business, Deesigns by Harris.  And I am taught early in the meditation "should random thoughts appear accept them and allowance them to move through your consciousness as floating clouds that appear then disappear".  In other words, "Be quiet, Brain!"
   With my meditation now complete I am urged to write the feelings that have come to me from this morning's quiet time.  The topic for today is "Setting Goals and Letting Go".  I love the reinforcement of going with the flow and letting go of expectations.  I have learned in AA "No expectations. No disappointments".  Great slogan. I love that I can be grateful for this day, for the moment, that it is the only thing that matters. I often lose sight of this simple message as the day evolves and things get crazy...as I get crazy, as I allow myself to get crazy.
   Thought for the day "I set my goals, allow the power of the living universe to take over...and I enjoy the ride".  How sweet is that?  Another slogan "Let Go.  Let God". For me to follow my heart and quiet my brain is a work in progress. To have accepted that I am not in charge, never have been, never will be.  Such an easier, softer way to live rather than being in control, or thinking I was.  That conflict and friction that lived within me, tormented me for most of my life, has now been removed.
   Getting back to these last two months, I had no idea how to put together an online business to sell my art. My passion is creating art, not selling it. So I study and study, and research and research, trial and error, hit and miss, so on and so forth.  I have learned so much each and every day.  It's awesome and exciting and rejuvenating!  Yes, change is good. Such a journey getting from point A to point B. Sometimes that includes doing things we're not so fond of doing, but yet still part of the journey to achieve the dream.
   So as I let go of what I am, a new entrepreneur in a high tech world off to sell her passion, I am able to become what I might be...an artist who gets to share her gifts with those who want to enjoy those gifts and a part of my life creating them.  Such hope and dreams await me at the end of the rainbow!  As I let go of what I am, an alcoholic in recovery, I am able to become what I might be, a caring person who offers hope, a kind word, and a smile to the newcomer who has yet to find peace.
   When I am able to set my goals and then let them go like stress clouds during meditation, things just start to happen just the way they are supposed to. And I am right where I need to be.  On my journey.
   It is the mystery of the unknown that adds color and dimension to our lives.  Let go, let God, move into that place of wonder and breathe in the magic!  Walk in gratitude today giving thanks for your ability not only to dream the dream, but to live them.
   Thank you Louie Schwartzberg for a beautiful meditation and inspirational words. With that I leave you to have a mighty fine day. Until next week...Aloha, Dee.
   For those interested in visiting my website of Gifts in Recovery and Hawai'i Art, please visit my website at www.DeesignsByHarris.com.  Mahalo!

RISE EVERY TIME YOU FALL

Our Greatest Glory is Not in Never Falling,

But in Rising Every Time We Fall (Confucius)

  When I read this quote from Confucius I reminisced about these last couple of years and the relapses I've experienced. Having come to terms 15 years ago that I indeed had a problem with drinking, or stopping drinking, that was all well and fine. Not to make light of it because it was HUGE, life changing!  But my greatest glories have come from my falls...my relapses.
  I stayed clean and sober for over 13 years once surrendering to this disease of alcoholism.  I did all that was suggested...for awhile. This "one day at a time" program works both ways. "One day at a time we stay sober" if we do as the program of AA teaches us. And "one day at a time" we get drunk when we stop.
  You see it is so easy to forget how bad it was when we stop going to meetings and reaching out to newcomers. We forget how hopeless we felt the first day we walked into the rooms of AA.  We forget how hard that first year of sober holidays and days that end in "y" were.  We forget how relieved we were to be welcomed and loved and understood by those who suffered through the same experiences. So easy to forget when life is going so well and you're not drinking.
  And you know it's not all about not drinking. That's just a symptom of our disease. Suddenly we find the old behaviors starting to resurface. We find that we're no longer so kind and understanding and giving. The ego starts to take over once again. We get selfish with our gift of sobriety and forget to be grateful that today we have a choice to not drink or drug.
  So there's my story in a nutshell. I stopped giving away what was so freely given to me when I needed it most. A hug, a welcome smile, and hope. With that I picked up.
  I know now the reasons why. Bottom line I stopped hearing how bad it is to be active in the disease. I let my insurance policy expire by separating myself from the fellowship.  I stopped going to meetings to hear how prescription drugs can churn up that part of my brain that says, "Drink!  Use!"  Once that line was crossed the disease immediately took over every fiber of my being, every waking moment of every day of relapse.
  But I am so glad to say that AA taught me how powerful this disease is. And even though I wasn't getting drunk and I didn't HAVE to drink everyday, I knew I was well on my way back there to losing everything dear to me to shoot up in some dark abandoned building, prostitute myself, and live from a dumpster.  For real!  No laughing matter. Life or death. I'd choose death over having to live that way...as sadly many of our fellows have.
  Yes, my greatest glory came from relapsing and then being so scared of where I might end up that I checked myself right back into reality. I got right-sized again and relearned everything I absorbed as a sponge when I first got sober. But this time I shall stay close to the fellowship and do the footwork suggested to me. This time I shall give away what was so freely given to me. I shall do my best to be my best. Because I'm selfish and I don't want to lose a minute of this wonderful sober life I have today. I don't want to waste a moment of thought or energy to negativity when I can live a positive, optimistic, purposeful way of life.
  And with that I shall leave you to have a mighty fine day because you can. Stay hopeful; stay positive; stay loving.  Aloha...Dee Harris
  For those interested in "Gifts in Recovery" or "Hawaii Art", please visit my website at www.DeesignsByHarris.com. Mahalo!

SETTING BOUNDARIES

As I Lovingly Set Boundaries in My Life,

 I Celebrate the Freedom to Give from the Deepest Part of My Soul

   I have always been a people pleaser going out of my way to make sure your needs we're taken care of before mine and even before my family's. Why?  Fear and insecurity...in myself. I did not have enough love and self-esteem in myself, of myself, to say "no".  I was fearful you might not like me, that I might not be accepted by you or my peers or even by strangers.
   As I complete my morning meditation from the Mentors Channel with Louie Schwartzberg and Dr. Pamela Peeke, I realize just how important setting boundaries actually is and how necessary they are for good health and balance as well.  Setting boundaries shows we value our time and our energy. Creating personal boundaries builds self-esteem, reduces stress and teaches people how to treat us.  When we honor what is most important to us we honor others as well.
   As children we are taught it is better to give than to receive.  Shouldn't we give to ourselves as well?  It is not necessary to see say "yes" to every request.  Saying "no" can be a loving gesture that insures a harmonious future in any relationship. Setting boundaries is simple when it is done with love, from the heart, with a desire to have honesty as the foundation of all our relationships.
   And it is important to protect our personal boundaries once they are set...and to be grateful for them. When we are grateful we alter the way our genes talk to the rest of our body. And the change in gene expression alters our destiny. When we practice the attitude of gratitude we check in with ourselves and go inward. We enhance our integrative thinking in our brain housing executive function and creativity.
   As I work on setting my personal boundaries today I set myself free. I am creating a sense of deep gratitude. Taking care of myself is the holy act of gratitude
   With that, I wish for you a mighty fine day and much aloha.  Respect yourself.  Love yourself.
   For those interested in Gifts in Recovery and Hawaii Art, please visit my website at www.DeesignsByHarris.com.  Mahalo.

MANA...SPIRITUAL POWER, DIVINE POWER, AUTHORITY

Mana...Spiritual Power, Divine Power, Authority

   In Hawaiian culture, Mana is a form of a spiritual energy and also healing power which can exist in places, objects and persons. It is the Hawaiian belief that there is a chance to gain mana and lose mana in everything that you do. It is also the Hawaiian belief that mana is an external as well as an internal thing.  In people, mana is often possessed or gained through pono (balance) actions, reflecting the balance that exists in the world and humanity's responsibility toward maintaining that balance.
   As I vacationed in Hawaii the Mana was so apparent each and every time I returned. And each time it became stronger until I finally surrendered to its calling and made Hawaii my home.  I love the Mana here as it is so healing to me and so magical. I have a contentment, fullness and sense of belonging I've not experienced before.
   The Mana here has allowed my passion for art to once again resurface. My art gives me balance and a sense of well-being. It is my therapy and meditation. It is my joy. Thank you for letting me share my passion for art and for life!
   But most importantly, the Mana in Hawai'i is allowing me, gifting me, with the ability to heal through a dreadful sickness, the disease of alcoholism. I believe that I was called here, pulled here, for a purpose. I believe that relapse was part of this healing and spiritual journey. The Mana here has left me with no regrets, of alcoholism, of relapse, of being me.  Occurrences that I would have once considered negative I can now grasp as positive pieces to the puzzle that make up my life. Had everything in my life been handed to me on a silver platter, I know from deep within me they would go unnoticed and unappreciated. I'm glad for everything that has happened in my 58 years on this planet. And if I were to be taken away today I would have no remorse nor regrets. For that I am grateful. For that I want to share and give hope to those who haven't reached here yet.
   And if I remain on this planet a little while longer, I shall continue to arise every morning with gratitude and excitement for what the day shall bring. I will try to be my best and encourage others to do the same.  For today I know I have a purpose to give hope and optimism and laughter. What a great life!
   With that I shall end this blog for this week. Please choose to have a mighty fine day...and remember you can start your day over at any time. Today we have choices.
   For those interested in my artwork with emphasis on "Gifts in Recovery" and "Hawai'i Art"', please visit my website at www.DeesignsByHarris.com. Mahalo and Aloha!

Mo'o Madness

Mo'o, or Gecko, Madness

  The household gecko brings good luck to a home and killing a gecko is to invoke bad luck. Hawaiians have much respect for the gecko not only because it eats its weight in insects, it bears a great resemblance to the powerful aumakua, the mo’o.
  However, the Hawaiian guardian spirit, mo’o, refers to a much larger gleaming black dragon-like reptile found in ponds, especially fishponds, and sometimes in caves. Mentioned in Hawaii’s creation legends, this ancient animal ranks second to the shark or mano in importance as an aumakua.
  It is mysterious and is deemed a capricious animal and while some mo’o are considered benevolent aumakua, there are many legends that paint them as fearsome and monstrous. Thus the mo’o were both revered and feared by the ancient Hawaiians. They are almost invariably depicted as female and benevolent mo’o goddesses bring bountiful offerings of fish to the fishponds and great prosperity to the village. In human form as seductress, the mo’o would eat or drown her lover, rather than share him with another woman.
  They are shapeshifters and can appear as a large dragon measuring anywhere between 12-30 feet or the tiny gecko. The aumakua imparts its wisdom to its descendants through dreams.

Famous Mo’o Goddesses

  There are some disputes as to who was the original Mo’o goddess whose lineage continued to both mo’o and humans. Some believe that it was Mo’oinanea while others think it to be Haumea. Whoever was the Mo’o matriarch, the importance is that she was the union of Wakea (or Father Sky) and Papa (or Earth Mother) and the Mo’o offspring represented the union of the energy and power or mana of the sky and the earth.
  In another legend, Mo’oinanea also known as the Self Reliant Dragon came to Hawaii along with the migration of the Hawaiian Gods from their cloud island dwellings in the sky, which were called Nuu-mea-lani and Kuai-he-lani. Mo’oinanea was also in some traditions acknowledged to be the mother of Namakaokaha'i, who ruled the oceans; of Pele, Goddess of Fire and the Volcano; of the Hi'iaka sisters , rulers of the lava flows and the medicinal herbs that grew in new fertile lava, and Kapo'ulakina'u, Goddess of the prayers to bring about death and also to bring the dead back to life. Altogether, pretty powerful goddesses were descended from the Mo’o Matriarch.
  Kihawahine is one of the more famous recent Mo’o goddesses. She was a 16th century princess who was deified as the Mo’o goddess of Maui when she died. It was believed she had supernatural or psychic powers and King Kalakaua or Hawaii’s Merrie Monarch and Queen Lili’uokalani were both descendants of the Mo’o Goddess.
  Kihawahine wielded spiritual power and also political power. The great King Kamehameha worshipped her and had among his wives, three women who counted the Mo’o goddess as their ancestor. He was also believed to have carried an image representing the Mo’o goddess on his way to a pivotal battle. His victory allowed him to consolidate all the islands under his rule, making him the first king of a united Hawaii.
  As a goddess, Kihawahine lived in a large ancient fishpond which surrounded Moku’ula, a little rock island on Maui. By making her home there, she brought luck to Moku’ula which became the center of political power for the island of Maui. The ancient fishpond eventually dried up and was covered to later become part of a baseball field. However, the site is now being restored as a sacred site and the ancient freshwater springs which fed her home will be uncovered and will refill the pond again.

Importance of the Gecko

  To some who study Hawaiian mythology the gecko is a symbolism of the genealogy which connects the ancestor to the descendant.  The gecko’s prominent and flexible backbone is made of equal segments from head to tail. Therefore, its eyes represent future generations, the front feet are the children, the next segment stands for makua or the parents, the kupuna refer to grandparents and the elders. Next come the ka,’iwi or the bones of the ancestors and finally at the tail’s end the aumauka, or the family’s guardian spirit. Further, the gecko is seen as the intermediary between the human and animals, and between the human and the gods. It can also symbolize keeping an eye on the past and the other on the future.

Symbolism of Mo’o

  If Mo’o appears in your life, it is a message to look at your fears so you can dissolve them. Like Mo’o in the form of the monster, fears destroy your power and make you doubt your abilities and your dreams. However, when you face your fears, the Mo’o goddess will be benevolent and will, like she did with Kamehameha, make you a king, in this case, of yourself.

   I so love mythology.  In high school I took a mythology class and then again in college I took Latin, and studied mythology in the Latin language.  I find these stories so intriguing.  When I saw this article about Hawaiian mythology about the mo'o, another of my pets besides the pua'a (pig), on HawaiianLife.com (submitted by Mike on 4/15/10), well, I just had to share because I so love Hawaii as well.
   Hawaii is a very spiritual island; that is what drew me to her in the first place.  Her flora and fauna hold that same special spirituality.  The honu, turtles, called me here before I ever made the move.  I have attached myself to many a wild hog, and the mo'o and I have quite the special bond as well.
   I have found dead mo'o on my door mats.  Whether they crawled there to die or brought by a cat, I'll never know.  I have collected quite the array of dead mo'o carcasses.  I did not kill them.  They die, as everything does, but these just happened to do so in or around our hale (home).
   I have used their skeletons in some of my artwork.  I find them fascinating as they die in many a shape and form. I will now experience the mo'o in a completely different and beautiful way.
   For those interested in seeing my Mo'o Madness artwork, please visit my website at www.DeesignsByHarris.com.
   Until next Monday, thank you for letting me share and have a mighty fine day!

UNCOVER YOUR TRUE SELF

UNCOVER YOUR TRUE SELF

   The only way to understand your true self is to begin the work of uncovering it.  But first you must be able to distinguish between your false self and your true self.  When you are feeling secure, accepted, peaceful and certain, you are experiencing your true self.  When you are overwhelmed by stress, crisis, doubts and insecurity, your false self has control.

   I am trying meditation.  A very dear friend has shared with me a free 14-day internet program, Deepak Chopra’s Secrets of Meditation, at mentorschannel.com, which I am finding fantastic!  I have tried meditation before but found it quite difficult to shut up the committee in my head. My acupuncturist relayed to me that there are many forms of meditation and the traditional kind is not for me. So I put it off for a while longer until this program which, again, is showing me that I can actually do this!

   Each day's 15-minute meditation comes with a few short paragraphs and a few short words to help with that day’s particular meditation's theme.  Just reading the words gets the seeds in my whirlwind brain a-sprouting for a wonderful and relaxing journey. 

   Seems as though all my thoughts and actions occur in a gratuitous way due to my sobriety.  But more importantly, sobriety has given me spirituality that I believe is the essence of my being and purpose now.  All a bit too hokey for you?  Would be for me too if I was reading this.  No,

I'm still the sick selfish kid I've always been with the “If it ain’t fun, I ain't doin' it!” mentality.  But I'm finding this fun and exciting and teaching me more each day about the Dee I never knew was in there.

   When I went to treatment back in '98 I learned about a new and huge part of myself...my alcoholism...my disease.  I felt like a sponge absorbing every drop of this new knowledge about what makes Dee tick.  As in Deepak's first sentence I was graced to be able to understand my true self by uncovering it.  I was and still am working on shedding the shame, humiliation and dread of the disease.  I was given a choice I didn't previously have of whether or not to pick up a drink or drug. I chose to put my disease in remission, leave it there, knowing it's doing push-ups waiting for that pinhole of weakness that will pick me right back up and splat me right back down to the eternal flames in Hell.  I know this in my heart and I know this because the fellowship of AA has taught me this.  And, okay, I know this because I relapsed.

   I learned a lot of things in treatment and AA meetings.  I learned a design for living that was simple, but not always easy.  I realized that I had been chosen not to die in a gutter or a dumpster but to carry a message of hope that, yes, you too can live a better life.

   Two of the many AA slogans are "Keep coming back. It works." and "One Day at a Time."  The more sobriety I got under my belt, the more complacent I got.  I stopped going to meetings.  I stopped being there for the newcomer.  I stopped carrying the message.  And one day at a time I picked up another drink, totally baffled that I would do that.  You see, meetings are for me like going to church and giving thanks for my many blessings.  Meetings are where I can be of service and not forget how shitty my life was before you put your hand out to me and gave me hope.  I stopped sharing was so freely given to me when I needed it most...when I was at my bottom.

   I am now going to meetings again to build up my insurance policy in case I find myself confronted with another pinhole of weakness.  It didn't matter that I had over 13 years of sobriety.  It didn't matter that I thought that first drink through to the end knowing I could end up in the gutter or dumpster.  It didn't even matter that I said "No, thank you, I haven't had a drink in over 13 years”.  When that shot of tequila was left there for me in case I changed my mind, with my lapsed insurance policy, I picked up.  One drink.  That's all it takes, girls and boys.  It's that first drink.  The disease that was doing push-ups in prison for all those years was buff and had six-pack abs (no pun intended).  The obsession immediately takes over my mind, body and soul.  What a sad place to be. 

   Got my ass back in meetings, every day, 90 meetings in 90 days, even though I couldn’t help myself and admitted I had drank the night before.  Day after day.  Night after night.  But my chair was still waiting for me and the fellowship greeted me with love and open arms and understanding.  I was home again getting right-sized (another slogan).  Miraculously, once again, the obsession was lifted.

   I love this journey of mine and the lessons I have learned along the way.  Deepak's second sentence is to distinguish between my false and true self.  I am on that journey and am still discovering and learning to love my true self a little bit more everyday.  Makes me sad about all those years spent being the false Dee, but wouldn't be me today without them.  I am starting to feel secure, accepted, peaceful and certain (sentence#3) which is so awesome to know I am finally starting to experience my true self.

   Hey, you might not have any addictions, but I still highly recommend this meditation, unless, of course, you haven't any stress, crisis, doubts and insecurity.  All I know is that my life is good today and I have contentment I never thought possible.

   With that, have a mighty fine day and see you next Monday.

   For those interested in my gifts in recovery, please visit my website at DeesignsByHarris.com.

We Sink to Rise

We Sink to Rise

Ralph Waldo Emerson

   I'm looking for this week's blog that I wrote earlier this week.  It's gone.  Totally disappeared.  Hate it when that happens.  Especially since I was pretty happy with it.  Anyone watch the youtube video about "memories"?  It’s hysterical!  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzSaoN2LdfU&feature=share)

   Anyway, I  see this quote by Emerson and it touches me.  I'll write about it instead.  Made me think about sinking.  Feel like I sunk a bit, got a bit sad, a bit pissed, a bit disappointed when I couldn't find my blog.  Get over it, Dee...shit happens.

   Then I get to thinking what sinking really means to me.  Sinking.  Going down.  Going down the drain of the sink.  Down the drain to the sewer.  Down to the depths of Hell.  Sinking has a negative connotation in my mind.

   To rise, on the other hand, has a positive connotation.  Rise.  Elevate.  Elevate to another level.  Get better.  Get to a higher level.  Heaven.  Nice.

   In the pettiness of it all I can take this quote and relate it to my losing my blog.  Just a little bit of inconvenience and wasted time.  Was the time really wasted, Dee?  No.  At the time I quieted my mind and reached into my heart which is what I do when I blog.  No, no time wasted.  Did this incident cause a "rise" in me?  Yes.  I am learning through the 12 Steps of AA and the fellowship to "live life on life's terms" and "to let go and let God".  This all happened for a reason.  Don't sweat the small stuff.  Move forward.  Write another blog.

  I can really relate the sink and rise thing with my alcoholism.  Okay, duh, the sinking part came when I was in the depths of my disease.  When I found that I no longer had a choice of whether or not I wanted to drink, that was bad.  When it no longer was wanted a drink, but needed a drink, that was bad.  When I knew that taking a drink would only make things worse, that was bad.  When I knew that it wouldn't be only one drink but many, that was bad.  You see, I had to drink.  The disease and the obsession were so strong I couldn't fight them.  At least not on my own.  I wasn't a stupid person.  I wasn't a weak person.  The disease was just stronger than all my might and it won. 

   Now for the rise.  I like this part the best.  Once I became so desperate, hit bottom, swallowed my pride, and was so sick and tired of being sick and tired, the miracle happened.  Not just like that though.  I was so desperate that I prayed to my dad in Heaven who I feel died from this disease even though the death certificate says differently.  I never prayed.  I didn't go to church.  I didn't have religion.  But with that, soon thereafter, I found myself in a predicament, a dilemma, that said "Dee, ask for help".  I know in my heart that Dad came to my rescue.

  So I did.  Not that easy though.  I was ashamed.  Embarrassed.  Humiliated.  Scared.  Was the hardest thing I ever did.  Get honest.  Surrender.  Having been blessed with the opportunity of a 28-day treatment program, the rest is history.  Treatment is great, but for me AA is key.  Drinking will never be the same again.  My life will never be the same again!  I got to rise from the sinkhole to a place where I have purpose and excitement to wake up every morning.

   Had a not sunk I most definitely wouldn't appreciate what I have today.  My life is good.  I am content.  I am happy.  I have a fantastic relationship with my spouse and family.  I have more genuine friends that I could have ever imagined.  I live in a beautiful place on a magical island.  I have a purpose of helping those who are yet unable to help themselves.  My heart soars when I can be of service.  I have retired from my job to pursue my passion of art and a web-based business.  I am comfortable in my own skin.  I am able to love myself.  Indeed, we sink to rise.  I know I did.    

   With that, see you all next Monday!  Have a mighty fine day and week!

   For those interested in my web-based business of Gifts in Recovery, please visit DeesignsByHarris.com.  Aloha!

It Is As Hard to See One's Self As to Look Backwards

Without Turning Around

Henry David Thoreau

   I often say that I wouldn't go back one day, one year, one decade in my life.  I have learned that I'm right where I need to be.  And why would I?  Today, right now, I have found peace and serenity; I have found contentment and faith; I have found love of self and of my fellows.  My life is good.  My life is awesome!

   Ok, you say, but what about the aches and pains?  What about the jelly belly and bat wings?  What about loss of vision and memory?  Hey, I earned all those things through 58 years of blood, sweat and tears.  I don't know if I'm in my " golden" years.  58 sound old to me, yet 58 sounds young to me.  As George Burns puts it, "Young. Old. Just words."  I like that, George.  It's all in the mindset and how I look at things...and, more importantly, how I feel about things.

   Ok, I still struggle with finances.  Silly me retired from my job of over 19 years to pursue my passion as an artist.  I've yet to receive a pension check.  I don't even know how much it will be!  But something deep inside kept pulling me away from the comfort zone of Safeway to do something more purposeful.  My counselor in treatment said to me before releasing me back "into the real world" that it was a waste, my being a grocery checker, that I had much more to offer. That sat in the back of my mind for 15 years as I trudged the road of happy destiny.  And the Goat and my Goat Horoscope (born in the Chinese astrological year of the goat) kept pulling me this year to pursue my dreams, get out of my comfort zone, achieve greatness, and enjoy the ride!  Kinda scary, but learned to go with faith and not my thoughts...live from my heart and not my head.

   I have learned so much this first month of Safeway retirement.  Most of my non-recovery efforts being placed in striving for a successful business.  Being from the old computer-less school of hard knocks, I am learning a whole new way of high tech business.  And as much as I love creating AA Unity...Service...Recovery stained glass triangles, I have learned not to put all my eggs in the " recovery" basket and to get back out creating non-recovery art as well.  It doesn't matter to me what I'm creating, as I'm living my passion!  It's all recovery and therapy and gratitude to me whilst pouring my heart into my art.  I must have balance and that goes for the rest of my life as well.

   So you see already in this short month of "real job" retirement, I look backwards, but I ain't turning around.  I've come so far and learned so much!  But that ain't nothing in comparison of looking back without turning around in my life in recovery.  I have a design for living as I have learned the 12 Steps and strive to live the steps which has taught me to search deep within myself to find out what makes Dee tick.  You see, it wasn't an alcohol or drug issue that took me down; that was just a symptom of my disease.  It was a Dee issue.  How mind-blowing and freeing to be able to discover my make up and why I reacted throughout my life the way I did.  More miraculously is that I don't have to live that way today or ever again!  No, I ain't turning around.  How awesome that I don't have to pick up a drink or a drug today when I don't like how I'm feeling. Hey, Dee, that's just human nature and not everyday is going to come up smelling like roses.  I have tools today to help me live life on life's terms and today that's a damned good life.  Today I'm so very grateful, so very thankful, for looking backwards and seeing how far I've come.  Today I have a choice of not using, whereas, I did not have a choice 15 years ago and lived in the darkness at least that long.  Today I have allowed inspiring people into my life who are genuinely here for me.  Today I have a purpose of sharing this message and offering hope to those who are still struggling.

   With that I shall end for this week.  I wish you all peace...and, please, try to have a mighty fine day...look backwards without turning around...it's all about moving forward in a better and more positive direction!  With much Aloha, Dee.

   For those curious about my new art business, please visit my website at DeesignsByHarris.com.

Whoa! Whatta Wonderful Wahine Weekend!

Grandma, The Matriarch

Whoa!  Whatta Wonderful Wahine Weekend!

   I have been blessed with experiencing the most magical weekend...one filled with women (wahine) so inspiring and beautiful inside and out it blows my mind!  I have experienced feelings rooted from so deep within me that I didn't even know they were there, allowing my heart to soar to a new level that feels unfamiliar to me, yet so wonderful and freeing!

Cheri and Dee

    I was able to spend a long weekend at the Woman To Woman Conference in Honolulu, traveling and rooming with a very dear friend of mine who gave me such laughter and joy I haven't experienced in forever (and each day of my life in recovery is filled with a lot of laughter and joy, believe you me)!  I was allowed to share the experience, strength and hope of hundreds of my sisters and mine with them.  What a gift!  What inspiration!

Grandma and Mom

   But not only have women been instrumental in my life this weekend, but now I am opening my eyes and heart I realizing how important women have been to and for me since I entered this world.  My mom is my best friend and loves and supports me unconditionally. Grandma is the matriarch of our family and has sacrificed so much of herself for all of us. I've never heard her say anything bad about anybody. Auntie, too, has sacrificed to care for those who needed her love and nurturing as they passed to the other side.  How selfless is that?  I have very dear girlfriends not in the program as well who have supported me continually and have given me strength and guidance and nurturing. 

Auntie Carol

   So although I got clean and sober in '98 and had over 13 blissful years of sobriety, I didn't realize how important the the women in my life were and are to me.  I got lax, complacent and selfish in my sobriety.  I kept this good life all to myself...and with that, I lost it.  You see, early in my sobriety I learned that " if you don't give it away, you can't keep it."  
   I picked up again.  I took a drink even though that was the last thing on my mind or agenda (or so I thought).  I even thought it through to the end which was what I was taught, but the insurance policy I get from going to meetings, being of service,  helping the newcomer and sharing my experience, strength and hope had lapsed and run dry.  And with that first drink came the obsession once again in all its glory.  I could not get out of my head the next drink.  I could not get out of my head the lying, cheating and deceit.  My life had gone full-blown negative on me...after just one drink!
   I thought I was going nuts.  I was so scared of myself and this disease.  I sought professional help who steered me right back to the fellowship of AA (duh, Dee).  So two years ago I went to a women's meeting here in Kona and felt, once again, that I was home and safe.  I love the women in this program and that they keep coming back.  I love to watch them go through "life on life's terms" without picking up or using.  I love learning from them that there is no escape from life nor feelings of discomfort nor any reason to do so, that everything is just as it should be and it's up to me what I'm going to do with it.  Today I have choices and have been taught to choose wisely. 
   I have no intention on leaving again, of getting complacent nor selfish.  You see, my life is so much better today than in those first 13 years.  I had it confirm to myself that I am indeed an alcoholic.  I had to confirm to myself that the many AA slogans I had learned were true, "Easy Does It", "Keep It Simple", "Keep Right-Sized", "Let Go, Let God", and "Keep Coming Back, It Works", to name a few.  I had to feel the greatness of my support group, especially the women, who keep their arms open for me and my seat warm for me in the meetings, who loved me until I could love myself, who give me hope and strength and purpose each and every day.
  Then comes another Wonderful Wahine Weekend God-shot.  At the Hawaiian Airlines gate which will take me back home after a spectacular weekend is another group of beautiful and inspirational women.  Wahines from Down Under with a layover in Honolulu on their way to Maui, long-time friends of my hubby's who I had the privilege of meeting whilst visiting Australia.  They were just starting their girls' getaway of fun and frolic, tears and laughter, experience, strength and hope. How that filled my already overflowing heart with even more joy as I can already taste what this time together for them will bring for many years to come, and it hasn't even happened yet. 

Dawn, Dee and Chrissy

   Back in Kona I get to have a good-bye dinner with a girlfriend of mine with whom I worked for many, many years at Safeway in Tahoe, my hubby and hers.  She and her husband have graced us with their presence for a few days while traveling the islands as well.  This led me to remember how many wonderful co-workers of both genders I have had in my life.  We have had many a social gathering with even more ladies' gatherings.  So much fun!  So much comraderie!  So much life!  So much keeping each other in check working a job that is quite stressful at times.  So much "venting" to each other allowing us to keep sane and keep our jobs and eventually retire.  Thank you to both my Tahoe and Kona Safeway ohanas for that, as tomorrow will be one month since I retired to pursue my life-long dream of entrepreneurship and being able to live and sell my passion of art and stained-glass.

Dee and Laurie

   Most importantly, thank you to all the empowering, classy and beautiful women, inside and out, living amazing and positive lives. You are my role models. You are my mentors. You are my heroes. You are my inspiration!
   With that I shall leave you for this week.  We have choices today so let's chose wisely and selflessly.
   For those interested in checking out my artwork and gifts in recovery, please visit my website at deesignsbyharris.com.

Waisun and Noreen

Sherry

Sarah

Jacqui, Donna and Dee

Dee and Cathy