Whoa! Whatta Wonderful Wahine Weekend!

Grandma, The Matriarch

Whoa!  Whatta Wonderful Wahine Weekend!

   I have been blessed with experiencing the most magical weekend...one filled with women (wahine) so inspiring and beautiful inside and out it blows my mind!  I have experienced feelings rooted from so deep within me that I didn't even know they were there, allowing my heart to soar to a new level that feels unfamiliar to me, yet so wonderful and freeing!

Cheri and Dee

    I was able to spend a long weekend at the Woman To Woman Conference in Honolulu, traveling and rooming with a very dear friend of mine who gave me such laughter and joy I haven't experienced in forever (and each day of my life in recovery is filled with a lot of laughter and joy, believe you me)!  I was allowed to share the experience, strength and hope of hundreds of my sisters and mine with them.  What a gift!  What inspiration!

Grandma and Mom

   But not only have women been instrumental in my life this weekend, but now I am opening my eyes and heart I realizing how important women have been to and for me since I entered this world.  My mom is my best friend and loves and supports me unconditionally. Grandma is the matriarch of our family and has sacrificed so much of herself for all of us. I've never heard her say anything bad about anybody. Auntie, too, has sacrificed to care for those who needed her love and nurturing as they passed to the other side.  How selfless is that?  I have very dear girlfriends not in the program as well who have supported me continually and have given me strength and guidance and nurturing. 

Auntie Carol

   So although I got clean and sober in '98 and had over 13 blissful years of sobriety, I didn't realize how important the the women in my life were and are to me.  I got lax, complacent and selfish in my sobriety.  I kept this good life all to myself...and with that, I lost it.  You see, early in my sobriety I learned that " if you don't give it away, you can't keep it."  
   I picked up again.  I took a drink even though that was the last thing on my mind or agenda (or so I thought).  I even thought it through to the end which was what I was taught, but the insurance policy I get from going to meetings, being of service,  helping the newcomer and sharing my experience, strength and hope had lapsed and run dry.  And with that first drink came the obsession once again in all its glory.  I could not get out of my head the next drink.  I could not get out of my head the lying, cheating and deceit.  My life had gone full-blown negative on me...after just one drink!
   I thought I was going nuts.  I was so scared of myself and this disease.  I sought professional help who steered me right back to the fellowship of AA (duh, Dee).  So two years ago I went to a women's meeting here in Kona and felt, once again, that I was home and safe.  I love the women in this program and that they keep coming back.  I love to watch them go through "life on life's terms" without picking up or using.  I love learning from them that there is no escape from life nor feelings of discomfort nor any reason to do so, that everything is just as it should be and it's up to me what I'm going to do with it.  Today I have choices and have been taught to choose wisely. 
   I have no intention on leaving again, of getting complacent nor selfish.  You see, my life is so much better today than in those first 13 years.  I had it confirm to myself that I am indeed an alcoholic.  I had to confirm to myself that the many AA slogans I had learned were true, "Easy Does It", "Keep It Simple", "Keep Right-Sized", "Let Go, Let God", and "Keep Coming Back, It Works", to name a few.  I had to feel the greatness of my support group, especially the women, who keep their arms open for me and my seat warm for me in the meetings, who loved me until I could love myself, who give me hope and strength and purpose each and every day.
  Then comes another Wonderful Wahine Weekend God-shot.  At the Hawaiian Airlines gate which will take me back home after a spectacular weekend is another group of beautiful and inspirational women.  Wahines from Down Under with a layover in Honolulu on their way to Maui, long-time friends of my hubby's who I had the privilege of meeting whilst visiting Australia.  They were just starting their girls' getaway of fun and frolic, tears and laughter, experience, strength and hope. How that filled my already overflowing heart with even more joy as I can already taste what this time together for them will bring for many years to come, and it hasn't even happened yet. 

Dawn, Dee and Chrissy

   Back in Kona I get to have a good-bye dinner with a girlfriend of mine with whom I worked for many, many years at Safeway in Tahoe, my hubby and hers.  She and her husband have graced us with their presence for a few days while traveling the islands as well.  This led me to remember how many wonderful co-workers of both genders I have had in my life.  We have had many a social gathering with even more ladies' gatherings.  So much fun!  So much comraderie!  So much life!  So much keeping each other in check working a job that is quite stressful at times.  So much "venting" to each other allowing us to keep sane and keep our jobs and eventually retire.  Thank you to both my Tahoe and Kona Safeway ohanas for that, as tomorrow will be one month since I retired to pursue my life-long dream of entrepreneurship and being able to live and sell my passion of art and stained-glass.

Dee and Laurie

   Most importantly, thank you to all the empowering, classy and beautiful women, inside and out, living amazing and positive lives. You are my role models. You are my mentors. You are my heroes. You are my inspiration!
   With that I shall leave you for this week.  We have choices today so let's chose wisely and selflessly.
   For those interested in checking out my artwork and gifts in recovery, please visit my website at deesignsbyharris.com.

Waisun and Noreen

Sherry

Sarah

Jacqui, Donna and Dee

Dee and Cathy

OHANA

OHANA

   Ohana in the Hawaiian language refers to family and relatives.  All around the world and all across our country I still believe ohana takes precedence in our lives.  I especially feel that here in Hawaii.  Ohana and aloha (love, greetings; regret, sympathy, compassion, grace; farewell; to love; beloved; too bad, how sad) I experience and feel here on a daily basis.

   And it's not just with my human counterparts but with the animal kingdom as well.  I wake up each morning to my pua'a ( pig, pork) ohana.  I have been so fortunate to have been able to give them joy in their lives, as I have received joy from them a thousandfold.

   These wild pigs have shown me what ohana means in the simplest of terms.  I've been with them through their pregnancies.  I have learned they don't introduce me to their keiki (child, boy) until at least two or three days after birth.  I have learned that they will stay away two days after trauma, like a member of their ohana being killed or trapped.  I’ve been with them through death.  The entire ohana will raise their razorbacks and squeal if you pick up one of their keiki.  Life for them is about survival which also includes relaxing, loving and bonding with each other.

   When they sleep they like to be touching one another, sometimes piled atop one another.  When they're hot, which happens daily here in Hawaii, they need water to cool off, like hippopotamuses.  They'll often sit in their water trough, sometimes three at a time.  When they're hungry they look cute and look at their Auntie Nee Cee (me) for the crust off her sandwich.

   They have allowed me to hand-feed them, paint them, pet them, and, yes, even kiss them.  But they will always be wild animals and can take my face off in a blink of an eye like a pet chimp.  Yes, I have been bitten by one, but it was a love bite (and I consider my scar as a sign of love and treasure it as the ultimate Hawaiian tattoo).

   I have done them no service by loving them as they are here on this island as a food source.  Loving them has only made them easy targets for the imus (underground ovens).  Loving them from afar seems to be working much better, wisely, and more humanely.

   We still give each other joy on a daily basis.  They know I am one of the two-leggeds who they can hilina’i (trust) and they are safe with me.  I can feel that from them.  And they have told me that, through the generations I have been blessed to witness, as, yes, we do communicate, through our eyes.  Eyes can tell so much from the ‘uhane  (soul) and I have got to experience that!

   Many of you know I have also been blessed with the gift of recovery.  Oh, that explains it, you murmur under your breath.  That's why Dee is so lōlō (paralyzed, numb; stupid, dumb [pakalōlō=marijuana]).  Perhaps, doesn't matter.  As long as I can remember I've always been a bit quirky.  But the point is that recovery has given me back simplicity and survival.  And very importantly it has bestowed back to me the precedence of ohana, and has awarded me my sense of self, without which I would have none of the above.

   I have the most beautiful and loving ohana who continued loving me until I could love myself.  And my Higher Power has graced me with the most awesome husband who loves me, my quirkiness, and my disease.  He calls me on my shit, yet nurtures me and encourages me to be the best that I can be.  How cool is that?  How blessed am I? and all because of my Higher Power, my ohana, and the fellowship. 

   With that I shall end for this week.  Embrace this day because it is the best you will allow it to be!  Remember you are not alone and that you have an ohana that loves you and will guide you to be your best.  And don't forget to give away what has been so freely given to you.  Have a mighty fine day!  I love you all!

   Aloha, Dee

P.S.  For those of you interested in my artwork, recovery and non-recovery related, please check out my website at DeesignsByHarris.com

.

DON'T PROCRASTINATE

DON’T PROCRASTINATE

   “It takes self-control to do something, and it also takes self-control not to do something.”  These are words I read this morning in Joyce Meyer’s Starting Your Day Right Devotions book. 

   Being the excessively compulsive person that I am, I either don't procrastinate obsessively or I procrastinate obsessively.  It's all or nothing for me.

   So these last few days I've sat at the computer seemingly dusk to dawn updating my business.  It's never ending.  But last week I found myself taking care of other people’s needs and commitments and found myself so unsettled and agitated not to be doing something creative and/or something for me.

   So what am I learning?  Do my best to keep the business updated on a daily basis.  Do my best to keep my bookkeeping current on a daily basis.  Do my best to keep balanced on a daily basis.  Put myself and my recovery first, then I’ll have time to do the fun stuff like being creative and being passionate.

   Now, as for the self-control to not do something, I tried so hard to not drink on a daily basis.  The attempts were futile.  I have learned from recovery that substance abuse is a whole different story.  Stopping substances is not a self-control issue.  Substance abuse is a disease, like cancer, that can be put in remission but not by telling myself to not drink.  All those years I thought I was a loser with self-control issues.  What a relief to find out that this was not the case.  And what a beautiful gift to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and not be in total disgust at what I see.

   Recovery has planted the seed of being centered and balance.  Being centered and balanced for me means don't procrastinate.  And with that, back to the computer, to clean up my obsessive procrastinations that I allowed to pile up and start this week off on a different note…centered and balanced.

   And for those of you interested in viewing my updated website, I should have it all refreshed later today! at DeesignsByHarris.com with some new “deesigns” and products!

   Until next Monday, have a mighty fine day!  Aloha to you all!  

THE FARTHER YOU ENTER THE TRUTH,
THE DEEPER IT IS

(Bankei Zenji)

  These last few years have presented to me a beautiful journey of soul searching and the surfacing of inner truth. In all honesty I truly believe it came with a relapse back into substances after over 13 years clean and sober. 
  I realize now why the relapses came. Firstly, I had separated myself from a fellowship that was there when I needed it most, in the depths of my disease. I had stopped giving what was so freely given to me. Secondly, I realize that all substances make my brain cuckoo, not just alcohol. So with dental visits came surgeries, came pain pills, came relapse. Lastly, I hadn't truly surrendered to who I am and what I am. 
  Today I am at peace with me. I am learning to understand me and, more importantly, love me. And with each new day more me is surfacing that I embrace, understand, work on, and love. More inner truth appears miraculously before my eyes!  I delve deeper into myself on a daily basis and it's a beautiful thing because I have surrendered and have become rigorously honest. I have surrendered to a disease I did not ask for but turned around into growth and purpose and beauty

. I surrendered into knowing I am not in control and someone, something way more powerful and loving is guiding me toward greatness. 
  As I write this it all sounds a bit too goody two-shoes for me but this is how I feel and this is my life. The layers of the onion of my life are peeling off and I'm finally feeling more comfortable in my own skin. How good is that?
  After one week of retirement from Safeway I am blessed to be able to work hard and diligently on my own business. I get to be my own boss and answer to myself. Another wonderful gift of sobriety!
  With that, I wish you a mighty fine day and heaps of aloha!  Until next Monday...
  For those interested in my new business venture, I welcome you to visit my website at DeesignsByHarris.com. 
  Dee

RESPECT YOURSELF AND OTHERS WILL RESPECT YOU

RESPECT YOURSELF AND OTHERS WILL RESPECT YOU

(Confucius)

   Somehow, somewhere in the growing up process I started putting myself last. By the time dinner was on the table and I sat down, everyone was done and up. Ok, I didn't teach them right or prep meals in a very timely fashion. By the time kids were brought home from sports, fed, bathed, and homework done, I was too tired to do anything for me but plop on the couch and think I was watching TV.  By the time friends, family and functions were attended to, too late for me. 

   I made those choices that got me all riled up and out of balance.  I got resentful and bitter.  When all the while all I had to do was put me first.  But I turned to various substances to get through the seemingly endless and grueling tasks.  Seemed to take the edge off and keep me from feeling overwhelmed. Again, when all the while all I had to do was put me first.

   A very valuable lesson I've learned in recovery is that sobriety comes first. Without sobriety there is no nothing (excuse my grammar).  There's no Dee, no family, no job, no home, no nothing.  And without a doubt, there ain't no self-respect.  And isn't it funny that when I put myself first and I'm happy, everybody else is okay too and everything seems to fall into place...just the way it's supposed to.  So one day at a time I'm learning to put myself first, to feel worthy of good things that happen, to love myself, to respect myself.

   Yesterday I retired from Safeway after being a checker over 19 years.  I didn't expect anything (no expectations; no disappointments…another valuable lesson learned in recovery) but a sincere good-bye and good luck from my co-workers. But I was emotionally surprised at the farewell I was given!  A beautiful orchid lei, a bouquet of flowers, cake and homemade cookies, cards, gifts, hugs and tears!

   Had I not respected myself and learned to love  myself, I truly don't believe I would have gained the respect and love from my co-workers last night.  How beautiful is that?  How simple is that. Love and respect yourself!  You're worthy!

   So today I start a new chapter in my life.  Another gift in sobriety. I get to be my own boss.  Work hard and long hours for me.  I get to live my passion.  Now I go full force with my new web-based business, Deesigns By Harris, at DeesignsByHarris.com.  I get to create and sell stained glass gifts, focusing on gifts in recovery.  I get to give back what was so freely given to me when I needed it most...hope!

   Until next Monday, Aloha and have a mighty fine day!  Your choice!